My Dirty Chonies

My Epiphany

2011-12-01T11:14:00.000-08:00

While I was listening to the radio the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” song came on. My mind began to think about the lyrics and I began to feel appalled that Christmas infidelity was being promoted. That disgusting woman, tickling under Santa’s beard? And the child, just thinking how funny it would be if Daddy saw all of this. So sad! Shame on that harlot! I was sickened and angry when it suddenly occurred to me; it was Daddy dressed up like Santa! And then I felt like an idiot, which feeling was confirmed when I told Frankie the story. That’s my confession.

What is your favorite Christmas song?

Really?

2011-10-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have unnatural phobias and I rock back and forth when I panic. I need psychiatric assistance and chemical intervention. This is old news. Live in the now!

So, one of my neurotic triggers is the conjunction of the words “bed” and “bug.” Recently, I was listening to talk radio as I drove home from dropping Darby off at school. It is weird for me to listen to talk radio because I am acutely aware of the negative impact it has on my mental state, but for whatever reason I turned on the station of doom and gloom. In His infinite wisdom, God had me hear the following as I passed the public library that Darby and I visit weekly. “Mesa’s main public library has been closed due to a bedbug infestation.”

You have got to be freaking kidding me right now.

Upon my arrival home, I ripped the sheets off of each of the beds and fought the urge to rock back and forth as I searched for signs of the intruders. Nothing. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

The following day, my back began to itch. Now, multiple sclerosis is just brimming with sweet little surprises, including phantom itchy spots which, for me, always manifest on my back. I had Frankie look me over to make sure that there were no red marks or anything that might otherwise explain the phenomenon, but there was nothing. I was grateful that it was just the ms itch and I went about my day. When I woke up the next morning with 9 red spots on my back, I was less calm.

After much research, Frank was sure that there was nothing to indicate that we had brought home the plague of the public library. You know, except for the 9 bug bites on my back. I, however, was less convinced. I searched Darby over and she was clean. Frankie was not itching. I bounce back and forth between Darby’s bed and Frankie’s bed all night (notice that I have no bed that I claim as my own), so it didn’t make sense that they were fine and I was wrecked. Anyway, the spots were getting worse and Frankie suggested that I go to the doctor.

Poor Frank. It was his birthday and we were sitting in the doctor’s office together. I, of course, was rocking back and forth on the exam table as we awaited the verdict. The medical assistant asked why I was in that day as she readied the blood pressure cuff. I told her I had bug bites or a rash and we weren’t sure what it was. I then asked her, “Do you sort of want to wash your hands right now?” She laughed and said, “Well, it’s not on your arm.” I’m sure she washed her hands upon leaving the room. I mean, you say the word “rash” and you want to wash your hands. And she was touching rash-girl, so I can’t blame her.

It was taking a long time for the doctor to enter the room and Frankie said that they were probably all outside playing rock/paper/scissors to see who had to look at the girl with the rash. That made me laugh so hard! That Frankie can always diffuse a situation.

When the doc entered the exam room, he said, “You know, I have to say that when I walked in here, you were both smiling. That almost never happens when I walk into an exam room, so thank you.” When I told him about the itch and the mysterious bites, he said, “You have shingles.” He then looked at my back for half a second and said, “Yeah, you have shingles.”

Freaking shingles? Are you for real?

I promptly asserted that Frankie was my only sexual partner so there was no way I could have an STD :). Luckily, the doctor knew I was kidding. Shingles is adult chicken pox. If you had chicken pox as a child, the virus lives dormant (usually) in you for the rest of your life. It can manifest again in adulthood as shingles if you are elderly or have a compromised immune system. My injection is an immune suppressor, so bingo. Mystery solved.

Frankie said, “Hillary, of course you have a disease that causes another disease!” He sure has to put up with a lot.

Luckily, you cannot pass shingles to anyone who has had chicken pox or the vaccination. Frankie had the pox and Darby has had the vaccination. Phew because you know I would have had a break-down right then.

I had to cancel the birthday babysitter because it would just be irresponsible to expose her and her children to the possibility of chicken pox, especially not knowing their vaccination history. Frank was a trooper, though. What a good man.

But, I must say that because I was sure we had acquired a pestilence of Biblical proportions, i was even extra happy and relieved to find out it was just shingles. My dad said, “That doctor was probably really curious about how happy you were that you just had shingles!”

True story.

I think Heavenly Father orchestrated that series of events just for a good laugh. I mean, I’m pretty comical when I get anxious and I like the thought of giving my Heavenly Father a good belly laugh. I believe that humor is a gift.

So, do you have anything gross and contagious?

Love and Marriage

2011-09-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

Lately, Darby is very interested in marriage. That is a little disturbing, but what do you do? So anyway, she keeps choosing a husband, then changing her mind. She was going to marry Thomas, but she changed her mind. When Frankie asked her why she changed her mind, she said, “Cause he’s kind of mean and I don’t think he’d be a good dad.”

Isn’t that interesting? She is choosing a spouse based on the kind of father she thinks he’ll be? Man, my girl is on it!

So, she decided that she’d marry Cooper. I must say that she has good taste in boys; both Thomas and Cooper are darling. But there is a problem. Cooper wants to marry Anna. This doesn’t seem to hurt Darby’s feelings, so that is good. I can’t figure out why Cooper would choose Anna over Darby, but maybe that’s just because I’m Darby’s mom. Probably not, though. Darby is way cuter and cooler. There, I said it.

So the other day, Cooper and Darby are swinging on the swings before school (you know I hover, so of course I am there) and out of the blue, Cooper says to me, “I’m going to marry Anna.” I said, “You are?” and he replied with, “Yeah. Cause when you get married, you get to push pie in the person’s face and I want to push pie into Anna’s face!”

Mystery solved. And therein lies a microcosm of girl/boy relationships. Darby chooses a husband based on his potential for being a good father and Cooper chooses a wife based on whose face he wants to push pie into.

Later, I explained to Darby why Cooper wants to marry Anna. She was surprised that people push pie (or cake) into the other person’s face, and then she looked worried.

“Does Boston know that?” (Boston is a little boy in her class). I said that I didn’t know and she said, “Well, don’t tell him that or he WILL want to marry me!”

Aw. Young love.

Fear Revisited

2011-09-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Whoa, guys. Whoa. I know we’ve talked about this before, and we’ll talk about it again, but I am freaking scared of lizards. I can trace it back to an incident where, as a child, I was mercilessly attacked by a massive gila monster with red eyes and sharpened claws. It ran at me on two legs, like a raptor. The blood and carnage seemed endless and I prayed for sweet death. At least that’s how I remember it. It might have just been a regular lizard running out from under a bush and startling me, but how can we determine the truth after all these years? Anyway, I was going to shred a box full of papers that has been sitting in the garage for an unforgiveable amount of time (best afternoon of Haley’s life, right?!) and as I moved it, a little lizard came running out from behind the box. I started having flash-backs and right before my post-traumatic stress set in, I remember saying in sort of a growl, “Whoa!” and then I ran inside and locked the door. The growl is what surprised me most. That was strange and I’m super glad that Frankie was not there to hear it. It was definitely not a turn-on.

Aside from that, all is well. The Darb is enjoying kindergarten and kicking butt (literally---she had to sit on the bench during recess for the sake of the other children’s safety). I am really proud of her. My semester is off to a slower start as my math class is self-paced, so naturally I have yet to look at it. My English class is a memoir writing class and that is fun since I can’t get enough of myself. All the essay ideas I have, though, seem to revolve around poop, underwear, or a mixture of the two (intrigued?). I am pretty immature at my ripe old age of 31. Frankie is doing great and we are just waiting for a cool down out here in mesa. I am usually pretty good with the heat (you know, I stay indoors or go swimming, so it is no big deal for this princess), but after the last few weeks of “excessive heat” warnings, I’m getting pretty sweaty.

I guess that’s it. Are you still awake?

Baptism By Fire

2011-07-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

Actually, my most recent baptism was by water. In the pool. Performed by Darby. I figured it was okay since she doesn't hold the proper authority, but I'm going to feel really bad for all of you if when we get there we find out that she actually does hold some type of authority.

I didn't encourage it, for any reader who is feeling particularly judgey today. She just did it, with her hand in the air and said, "We love Darby." Then she dunked me. And I felt strange; powerful.

Just kidding.

I did take the opportunity to teach a lesson or two, in case anyone thinks I'm going to hell for allowing it. Then again, I've been baptized twice, so I don't really think that I can go to hell, sucka!

The Grudge

2011-07-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

When I am finally debilitated by my multiple sclerosis, wearing a diaper and being pushed around in a wheelchair, I'm going to remind Darby of the comment she made to me today.

"Mom, that dinner was disgusting. And so are you."

For real? That hardly felt necessary.

And THAT is why I am going to lay the guilt on her as thick as I can. I'll follow that story up with the one about the 71 hours of labor that I suffered to bring her into this world. Then I might fall out of my wheelchair and fake my death for a few days, just to drive the point home.

I'm going to title my parenting manual, "Love and Logic? That's Crap." What do you think?

(for the record, i'll probably actually just cry about it later. please tell me your kids are mean to you, too!)

Pay It Forward

2011-07-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

That's right. This is the worst movie EVER. So, the kid dies? For real? I fracking hate this movie. And YOU...why didn't you warn me?

Inalienable Rights

2011-07-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July! We spent the day as any red-blooded American would have; swimming and eating ourselves into a hot-dog coma. Of course, we came to just in time to eat apple pie, but went right back to our comatose state for the rest of the day. It was glorious.

We all know that I don’t do hamburgers. I have a strong aversion to hamburgers (except for In and Out) and the thought of squishing that gooey, sticky flesh in my precious hands to form them into patties sends my hand-washing OCD into freaking overdrive. But hot-dogs---now THOSE are something worthy of our founding fathers' assertion to the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

What I want to point out right now is the different calibers of hot-dogs. I stick only with Ball Park and Nathan’s. Those of you who brave Bar S dogs, well, I just don’t know what to make of you. Anyway, my theory is that we eat Ball Park hot-dogs mostly because of the heart-attack risk of Nathan’s hot-dogs. Once we’ve eaten Ball Park dogs until we are so full we want to die, we then indulge in Nathan’s hot-dogs, welcoming the probability of cardiac arrest. Man, those are delicious hot-dogs. Their taste is unparalleled in the hot-dog sphere. And when you bite in and scalding grease shoots into the back of your throat, you know you’ve got a good one. And some form of bypass in your future.

What is your dog of choice and how did you spend your 4th? (and no disrespect to the founding fathers and all those who fought for their freedom---I am fond of and grateful for those rights.)

Blowfish

2011-06-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Blowfish and Guppy Love are my favorite shoe brands. Blowfish is to Guppy Love what Gap is to Old Navy. Being the cheapskate that I am, my closet is outfitted with more Guppy Love than Blowfish shoes. I am what I am. Anyway, upon my "buy one get one 1/2 off" visit to Famous Footwear, I happened upon not one, but two pairs of Blowfish boots, one in Darby's current size and one in the next size up.

I almost passed out, overwhelmed by pure joy.

I bought them both---two pairs of AWESOME boots for $30. Slap hands!

I am not sure what I did to merit this good juju, but I'll take it. Name brand, not hand-me-down shoes in Darby's rotation? Unheard of! The picture is of the pair that she can currently fit in and her next size up is grey. I have the exact same boots in black, only in my size (a splurge on a good MS news day. I deserved them).

Go ahead, tell me how ragingly cute are these boots!

You're Not The Boss of Me! (a near death experience)

2011-05-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

Don’t tell anybody, but I actually really enjoy running. I don’t do it a whole lot because upon leaving the air-conditioned confines of our homes here in Arizona, we burst into flames. There are very few days when spontaneous combustion is less of a threat and we are in the very last hours of that whimsical week. So, in an effort to get one last chance to go running and to allow Darby to do something fun (for once), we went for an outing with her taking her scooter and me taking my chevro-legs. We only run in the neighborhood to the west of ours because if we were to mozy around in our own neighborhood, we would surely get shanked. Not really, but the other neighborhood is a mile-long rectangle and that is convenient.

So, as soon as we enter our track, we hear a little voice shout out, “Darby!” It is Darby’s nemesis. In an effort to CMA, we will call him Sweet Baby James. Darby and Sweet Baby James love and hate one another. It is a very complicated 4 year old relationship. They are in preschool and primary together and while they have to sit together and talk to each other, it usually results in insult-slinging and eventually comes to blows. But, in this moment, they were friends and super pumped to hang out together. I didn’t want to keep her from getting to play with a friend and I didn’t want to hover, so I sat on the sidewalk on the other side of the street and just watched them run around together. To an outsider, I just looked super creepy. They played and chased each other with a humongous stick (can you believe I allowed that? I’m growing as a parent!) and when they started playing in the neighbors’ yards and sprinklers, I decided it was time for us to go. They had been playing for probably 45 minutes and we had a pretty busy day ahead of us. So, we moved on and finished our outing.

On the way home, Darby said, “Mom, Sweet Baby James told me to stay there, but I didn’t want to.” I replied, “Well Honey, you don’t have to do what Sweet Baby James tells you to do.” And she said, “Yes I do, because he’s the boss.” I thought that maybe that was part of their game and I asked, “Well, why is he the boss?” She responded with “Because he is a boy, and boys are the boss.”

I stopped cold and a little part of me died inside.

“Darby, listen to me. Boys are not the boss of girls. Boys are not better than girls. Sweet Baby James is not your boss.” She said, “Boys ARE the boss, like Daddy. He’s the boss and he’s a boy.”

I see the underdeveloped logic. I do. My poor, sweet baby. I explained that our Daddies and Mommies are our bosses, but not because they are boys or girls, but because they are our parents and that Sweet Baby James’ dad was his boss, but not Darby’s boss and that boys are not the bosses of girls. She seemed greatly relieved and I dare say enlightened. No, empowered! We’ll make a feminist of her yet!

Crisis narrowly averted.

Penny Pinching 101

2011-04-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

There is something that you should know about me: I am a sucker, SUCKER for exercise equipment. And infomercials. And especially infomercials for exercise equipment. So, you can imagine my angst when I saw an infomercial for “Leg Magic” about 2 years ago. My legs could use some magic and As Seen On T.V. products always live up to their claims, right? Alas, the apparatus cost $100 and I didn’t have that kind of cash to blow. Let’s be real---it was going to end up at Goodwill at some point.

Which is exactly where I found it! I went to peruse the Goodwill with my brother Nate and I saw my beautiful Leg Magic just sitting there, for a mere twenty bucks! I wanted to buy it, but I didn’t. After a few days, I was still thinking about it (which is my sign that it wasn’t just an impulse buy and that I did actually need it). Nate informed me that the next Saturday would be 50% off Saturday. Friday night, we made sure it was still there. Nathan put it up on a shelf for me, to sort of hide it. I was very nervous; what if it was gone the next day? I should just buy it now! But, the cheapskate in me couldn’t bear the thought of spending $20 when I might have spent only $10, so I anxiously awaited Saturday.

We were standing in line, IN LINE, at the Goodwill on Saturday morning before the store opened. I could see my Leg Magic up on the shelf in the back, but there were 15 people ahead of us! What if one of them was there for my prize? What if this was all in vain? The doors opened and we all flooded into the building. It was like Black Friday at Walmart. We were all headed toward the back of the store. Would I get there in time?

No, I didn’t. But Nathan did! He B-lined it to my Leg-Magic and as he passed me on the way back up toward the register, I was smiling ear to ear! I mean, it was a little embarrassing how pumped I was. I beat the system! I followed my big brother to that register grateful that he had looked out for his kid sis and made my Leg Magic dreams possible. And for only 10 bucks! After the fact, I read reviews for Leg Magic on-line. Everybody said that it was a really good piece of equipment, but that it was too expensive. Not for me, ladies! Not for me. Who is the sucker now?!!

You Give Me Fever

2011-03-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

And not the good kind! Panda Express, my love and knife, gave me a healthy dose of fricking food poisoning. Never again, Panda. NEVER AGAIN. And for my Ecuas out there, Nunca mas jamas!

So, after barfing multiple times and laying on the bathroom floor, shaking and falling in and out of sleep (it was 2 a.m. and I was so, so tired! Why is it that the throw-ups never hit when you are well rested?) I was feeling angry that I had just cleaned the bathroom that day. And also, I was feeling grateful that I had just cleaned the bathroom that day! Being that close to a clean toilet is just so much better than the alternative. But, I knew that, being the germ-a-phobe that I am, I would be cleaning the bathroom again within the next twelve hours. I mean, I’m a clean person even when sick, but just in case. So, as I lay on the bathmat, reaching my hand up to wipe down the seat with a Clorox wipe, a new anger overtook me…

What a freaking waste of money!

Good to know that I am both neurotic and cheap even in the most dire of circumstances.

And then my poor Darby awakened and knocked on the bathroom door, asking, “Mom, can I come in?” That sweet little honey. No baby, no. You cannot come in.

Have you ever had food poisoning?

Busy Week

2011-03-17T17:25:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I’m a terrible blogger. Let’s move forward.

We had a busy and fun weekend! Aramie, Matt, and Kacy arrived on Friday night. It was the first time we’ve met Aramie’s new husband and it was great. He fit right in and feels like family already. For Frankie’s initiation, the brothers all got into bed with him to see how he’d handle it. I’ll never forget that moment, when I walked up the stairs (I was staying downstairs and Frank was staying in my room upstairs) when I walked up to the top step and peered into my bedroom. There was Frankie, sitting in my bed with a smile on his face, with Dustin on one side and Aaron on the other. For Matt’s initiation, he had to shake it. That is where you put 30 ping-pong balls in an empty Kleenex box and tie it onto your back. Then you have to shake and gyrate around until all the ping-pong balls fall out. It is hilarious and he handled it like a pro! He didn’t refuse or get all embarrassed or anything---he just did it and shook his way into our hearts :).

Brett and Corrine (my parents-in-law) also arrived on Friday for a cousin’s wedding. It is always so nice to get to spend time with them. On a side note, (and because only family who already knows the situation and the people involved look at this blog) the cousin was supposed to get married in the temple, but she and her fiancée ended up getting married civilly. I know we, in the church, are prone to raising and eyebrow at that sort of stuff and gossiping and blah blah blah. But I would like to point out how brave I think it is to admit a mistake and to take your lumps rather than go through the temple unworthily so that you don’t have to face embarrassment. It shows that those two really understand how important and sacred those covenants are and they fear God rather than man. I am so impressed by them and their decision to be honest and real. So many kids just keep their mouths shut about anything questionable, go to the temple anyway, and take it to the grave and I think it is despicable. Anyway, that’s that.

It was so fun to spend time with Brett and Corrine and Darby, of course, had the time of her life! She got to spend lots of fun time with grandparents and I know how much she loves to have them around. Corrine took lots of great pictures and those are the ones I’ve posted. It is spring break, so I didn’t have to go hide in my office and do any homework while we had company, so that was an added bonus. I mean, I probably wouldn’t have done that anyway (let’s be real), but it was nice not to feel guilty about it. Brett made our backyard look awesome and we’ve been spending more time out there! Frankie’s poor parents come down and work their fingers to the bone for us! We went to dinner and got to hear a few cool mission stories from Brett. I had to teach the Relief Society lesson at church with Corrine there, so that was nerve wracking! Frankie was definitely missing his family, so it was nice for him to fill that canteen a little.

The first couple of nights, Aramie and her family stayed here with us. Kacey and Darby got along so well! They slept in Darby’s bed together and I listened at the door a few times to find out if they were still awake, and they were and it was so sweet to hear them talking together until they fell asleep.

It was a really fun break and we’ll get Britney (Frankie’s sister) for a few days, starting tomorrow. I guess I’m not huge on updates, but that’s what this one was. Here are a few pictures and I’ll get back to my old ramblings soon enough.

Dustin Robert James Judd

2011-02-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

We have a nephew! My little brother Dustin and his wife, Jessica, just had a gorgeous baby boy! He was born on Saturday, February 19th, and Nate, Haley, and I drove out to San Diego on Sunday and we got to meet our first nephew within the first 24 hours of his life. Dustin and Jessica did not find out the gender of the baby beforehand, but we were all confident that Dustin would create the first male offspring of the Judd kids. Little Dustin is so precious and such an angel and we have waited for him for so long. I kissed his tiny cheek and he smiled! I'm sure that gas was the catalyst and not my kiss, but I'll take it! Welcome, baby boy! We love you.

Bon Appetit!

2011-01-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

This is not a meal that I made. Obviously.

I have been really interested in cooking lately. No. It is wrong to lie. Let me start over.

I have had to be more attentive to my cooking lately. As we all know, I have an on-again off-again relationship with my multiple sclerosis diet. As Nathan so appropriately put it, “The only thing worse than having MS is the MS diet.” Ain’t it the truth! But, it really is a great way to eat, health-wise. It is a total word of wisdom diet. Anyway, I have resigned myself to snacking on walnuts and yogurt, but my poor family is suffering. The adults are supportive, but Darby has yet to see the merit in healthy dinners. She says such darling things when dinner is placed before her. For example, “Mom, do you really want me to eat this?” and “Mom, that is disgusting.” She doesn’t even try the food before these utterances escape her lips and she still has to take 4 no-thank-you bites (great idea, Britney!). After she agonizes through those, she usually says, “That’s not so bad.” Of all the comments she has made regarding the dinners over which I have slaved, my favorite is the most recent. She sat down in her chair at the table and looked into her dinner bowl. “Is there diarrhea in this?”

It does a mother’s heart good to hear something like that.

I Am A Super-Star

2010-12-17T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. Long time, no see! I thought I’d share with you a few experiences Frankie and I had last night. Some are good for a laugh, others will help me get sympathy from you. Intrigued? Let’s press on.

So, I’ve been sick the last few days. The bummer about a simple sickness is that with Multiple Sclerosis, nothing is simple. The head congestion was messing with my equilibrium, which is already questionable. The brain pains were exacerbated so much that I was crying, and my vision was so bad that I couldn’t even read. My sweet Frankie gave me a blessing and decided that we needed to go to an urgent care. Haley and Nate kept Darby for us, and we went to seek medical attention. The first urgent care we went to was, of course, closed. The next one was dirty, but we got in quickly. The doctor came in and with his thick New York accent told Frankie that he was probably a great lover. Yes, that is actually what he said. He talked and talked about life in NYC and what he got for his mother for mothers’ day. He droned on about how his accent makes it impossible to understand him when he uses the word “yogurt.” He babbled about how city New Yorkers are horrible, but up-staters like me are the God-fearing salt of the earth. Finally, he wrote me some prescriptions and quieted his busy mouth.

I have pneumonia, so I was anxious to start my HUMONGOUS antibiotic and get some sleep. I woke up around 2 a.m. because I needed to go potty. Like I said, my equilibrium is way off and I probably needed help, but how embarrassing is that?! Besides, Frankie was sleeping in Darby’s room with her in case she needed one of us. So, as I was in the bathroom, I knew I was in trouble. I tried to hurry everything up, but MS also causes it to take forever for me to pee (too much info? Nah). Then, I couldn’t find the beginning of the toilet paper. So, by the time I stood to pull up my chonies and wash my hands, it was all over. I remember a loud noise, and then Frankie’s voice sounding panicked. “Hillary, what are you doing?!” “Sleeping.” That was my response. I truly thought I was in my bed. Then he asked me to roll to the side so that he could open the door. I had fainted and was blocking my bedroom door! What’s worse is that I hadn’t pulled my chonies all the way up before I passed out, so my half naked body was blocking the entrance to my bedroom as I lay on the floor, asserting that I was asleep. How humiliating.

So, this morning I have what I can only guess will eventually be a black eye. There are scrapes all over my arms and face and I have a massive goose-egg on the back of my head where it landed on the tile. My hip took the brunt of it all and I am pretty torn up! What a pathetic little story, right? It’s also kind of funny, so I had to share it with you. I have never fainted before; it was really weird. So, how about you? Have you fainted? Has anything embarrassing happened to you lately?

Smells Like the Color Brown

2010-11-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I get it. It is Thanksgiving and I should be baking and cooking and basting and whisking, but I am not. Last year, I did all of that and then the 3 of us ate in like, 5 minutes and it was really lack-luster. This year, Nate and Haley live in town, but went out of town for the holiday, so it still would have been just the 3 of us. All Darby ever wants to eat is bologna, cheese, and a fruit snack, so the meal would have been lost on her. Frankie suggested we wait until Nate and Haley get back and I jumped on that opportunity! So, today we didn’t eat a great meal. We had some pretty lame spaghetti, actually. I did make green bean casserole, though, because it is divine. Anyway, we decided to take Darby to the movies for the first time and we saw Tangled. It was so good! She really enjoyed it for the most part. About 20 minutes before it ended, she said, “Is it over yet?” But, she sat through the rest of it just fine. And she loved the movie! It was really fun to watch her enjoy the theater experience. My favorite part of the movie is when the main guy says, “It smells like the color brown.” That is hilarious to me! Anyway, my favorite part of the day was when Darby was trying to get Frankie’s attention and she said, “Hey old man!” It was sweet justice because just last night, Frankie told me that he’ll always feel young because I’ll always be older than he is. Good thing he is so handsome, right? Helps me overlook such inflammatory statements! We went to the park after the movie and ran into Frankie’s uncle and cousins. We enjoyed hanging out at the park and came home for gross dinner and had a pretty good day. I’m thankful for so much, especially my family. Frankie and Darby, Mom and Daddy, Corrine and Brett, Nate and Haley, Britney, Aramie and Matt and Kacey, Adam and Lindsey and Montanna and Eden, Dustin and Jessica and Omega, Glen, Aaron and Katie; I love each of you guys. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Amen :P

How was your day?

Bowler Hat Beauty

2010-10-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! This costume is Haley’s brain-child, worked into reality with her own blood, sweat and tears. Nathan’s work group is CRAZY about Halloween and they all dressed as Disney villains. Nate was Bowler Hat Guy from Meet the Robinsons. So, being the cheap-o’s we are with the crazy daughter we have, we just used the same costume for Darby once Nate was done with it. She looked AWESOME! I kept hearing people talk about her and how great her costume was. She even had a bald cap with the little swirl of hair (I didn’t even think to take her hat off and get a picture of that, but it is there). She looked great and had a really fun time.

On Thursday, Darby’s preschool class got to wear their costumes to school. We couldn’t use Bowler Hat Guy because Nate would need it on Friday, and we didn’t want Darby to miss out. So, we had a ball of red yarn that Corrine bought for the Darbs to play with and we decided to fashion a Pippi Longstocking wig out of it. It turned out really great, even though it looks like a mix somewhere in the fray of Pippi, the Wendy’s girl (Wendy, I presume), and Raggedy Ann. Her schoolmates said that she looked “awesome” and she felt so good about herself! She is so fun and so wild; while all of her contemporaries are prancing around in princess dress-up stock and crap tiaras, Darby is bold and fun. I love my daughter.

How was your Halloween?

A Good Day

2010-10-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted a few hours ago, but I wanted to share a sweet experience that Frankie and I just shared with Darby.

Last night, as we were going to bed, Darby complained to me, saying, “I NEVER get to go to the temple with you and Daddy.” So, I promised her that we would go with her Daddy to the temple the next day during his lunch break and have a picnic. We did and after we ate our lunch near the visitors’ center, we went inside to look at all of the displays. Upon entering the center, there is the Christus statue. Darby ran up to it and when I asked her who it was, she said, “Jesus Christ!” We talked about the marks in his hands and feet (left out the side) and she reached up to touch one of his feet. Then she reached up and touched his robe and said, “I can’t believe it.”

We went into a display room and Darby ran right out. I followed and found her back at the Christus, pressing her precious little fingers to the mark on his right foot. It was so sweet to see my daughter processing what her Savior did and who He is.

Then, she saw the fountain outside the visitors’ center and said, “(gasp) That’s Jesus Christ’s pool!”

It made me think about the scripture (Bing would know the reference, but I don’t know it off-hand) where He says that He will never forget us; that He has engraven us upon the palms of His hands.

I think the pool comment must have made Him smile, too.

A Letter to my Nemesis

2010-10-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Jillian Michaels,

Oh, how I hate your stinking guts. Every time you say, “fight it!” and “I want you to feel like you are going to die”, I just grunt out obscenities and feel rage welling up inside of me. I hate your rocking body and the knowledge that mine will never look like that. I want you to stop smiling during work-outs; I would feel much better if you were crying the way I want to cry while I’m doing a “goddess” hold or attempting “rock-star” jumps. Cry, Jill! CRY!

That said, I also love you. I love the changes I do see and the new sizes I haven’t fit into since fifth grade. The last scale visit I had (only for doctor appointments, I never keep one in the house) left me astonished and I wanted to shout it from the roof-tops! Your work-outs are short enough that I can do them with my daughter around and effective enough that I feel like I’ve done a good job rather than wasted my time.

So, rage on, Jillian.

Love, Hillary

My favorite work-out is Jillian Michaels’ Yoga Meltdown. It helps with my MS symptoms and kicks my can every time. What are your favorites?

Twist and Shout

2010-10-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

Seriously though, have you ever had a mammogram? Holy crap, that hurts! I’ve had far too many at my relatively young age and will have them pretty frequently, probably for life. No worries; today’s didn’t result in a biopsy or lumpectomy (though I do enjoy a good anesthesia-induced nap), just another one in six months. Now THAT is something to look forward to. The room today was freezing, like runny nose kind of cold. And I’m standing in there, bare breasted while an icy, gloved hand maneuvered my girls around. Then, she’d hold them in place as she closed the machine down on them. Just as I thought that I couldn’t take the pain for a second longer (and this coming from me, who was in labor for 71 full hours, so I’m pretty tough), she’d stop the machine. Thank goodness, right? Wrong. Then she’d manually tighten it up a couple of notches more. She’d tell me to hold my breath while she took the x-ray, but I always already was. I find that in moments of extreme agony, I tend to stop breathing anyway. My last mammo wasn’t nearly so brutal and I sort of scoffed at women who complain about them. Oh, how I repent of that. Last time, I didn’t have a mess of scar-tissue from July’s lumpectomy. Yeah, my boobs are getting prettier and prettier as time passes.

Sitting out in the waiting room between the mammo and the breast ultrasound, another woman caught my eye. She was observing social etiquette and not mentioning how awkward it was that we were sitting there in silence, bra-less and wearing a little smock/shirt that we were desperately trying to keep closed. I can never handle good manners for very long, so I said, “You know, I’m thinking of taking this sweet shirt home so that I can wear it in my family portrait.” She was obviously unimpressed with my lack of couth and said, “At least they are pink.” To which I replied, “Yes, it helps maintain an air of femininity.”

Really I don’t know what kind of a comment you could possibly make in regards to this post, so the pressure is off.

Triumph of Darby

2010-09-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

We've had another successful visit to the dentist! Darby does such a great job; she sits in that big chair like such a grown-up (well, better than some grown-ups, actually), follows directions and makes her mama so proud! The staff and dentist get such a kick out of her and she just gives me a thumbs-up the whole time. I am proud of her for being such a good brusher and such a good patient. She has been trying to brush her teeth again all morning.

When I asked her to smile for the webcam, this is what she gave me. Apparently Darby is a pirate. Oh, and she told me that she wants to be a tooth for Halloween. Any ideas on how to pull that off?

Beautiful Darby

2010-09-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

"Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music." ~William Stafford

Tenemos Un Meaty-Meaty

2010-09-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

You know that episode of Friends where Phoebe talks about lobsters? Well, long ago Bingham (my best friend and dearest mission companion) and I decided that we are like friend lobsters. Like, if we could be sealed to a friend for time and all eternity, Bing and I would be sealed to eachother.

And as wonderful as she is and as much as I love her, I am terrible at remembering her birthday! It is tomorrow, September 18th. She will be 30. Anyway, for years I’ve had it in my head that her birthday was October 18th and one year, I called her on October 19th and said, “Bing, I’m such a jack-ass. I forgot to call you on your birthday yesterday.” And she said, “No Judd. You are a jack-ass because you forgot to call me on my birthday a month ago.” And that’s my Bing.

So, in an attempt to redeem myself to her (I cannot blog everyone's birthday, but I owe it to Bing after all my birthday failings!), this post is to commemorate Bingham’s 30th birthday. I will follow the format set out by the primary for the birthday spotlight.

Name: Alicia Bingham Loor

Favorite Color: well, I’m not sure. That’s weird of me. But, she looks great in blue.

Favorite Food: Chifa, last time we lived together.

Favorite Thing To Do: Bing loves to be with her daughter, Evelyn, and her dog, Raya. She spends a lot of time caring for her family. She loves to read and is very, very intelligent. She also loves rugby because she is a total bad-A!

Favorite Place To Go: Bing likes to go to Ecuador. And any lake. She loves swimming (and water skiing).

Favorite Primary Song: Well, we didn’t do much primary together, but we did have to sing a lot of duets in Carapungo (every Sunday, as it were!).

Favorite Scripture Story: Bingham knows everything about the scriptures. If you make reference to some vague verse, she will be able to tell you exactly what book, chapter, and verse it is. She is amazing that way.

Something Fun For Others To Know: Bingham and I bonded our very first hour together when we somehow found out that our moms did the very same dances when we would go to Old Navy with them. She even re-enacted it for me, and it was flawless. Bingham has the ability to make anyone laugh about anything at all.

Bingaling, you are amazing. I love so much and am so thankful that you were born. Happy Birthday!

Conspiracy Theory 101

2010-09-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely unhinged sometimes and I know it. A magnificent neurotic mess.

Now that you know (if you didn’t already), I’ll fill you in on one of my latest obsessions; the flu vaccination. Now, I always have Darby inoculated for the seasonal flu, but not the H1N1 virus. It’s too new and it was so shady to me the way it was pushed with scare tactics. Well, last year, not enough people got the H1N1 vaccine, so now it is just a component of the regular flu shot. So, what do I do? I think it is a freaky maneuver to force you to get both when you only want one or the other. I called Darby’s pediatrician’s office and they told me that a seasonal flu shot without the H1N1 component was not manufactured. Now I don’t know what is scarier; no vaccine or a two-fer vaccine, the second component of which is not something I want injected into my child. I’m all for modern medicine, but I also believe that there is something behind the push for inoculation. Now it is not just being pushed for the young and the elderly; it’s a push for universal vaccination. That is also weird. What do you think? I need some serious opinions here.

I’m this close to the brink of my sanity.

(p.s. as I was looking at cartoons for this post, I found freaky information about conspiracy theories that this is biological warfare, etc. Pretty freaky stuff. You should look it up a bit.)

Too Cool

2010-08-27T11:08:00.000-07:00

For weeks Darby has been prepping me for the beginning of preschool. “Mom, you can’t come to my school with me.” Sure I heard what she said, but I felt confident that when it came down to it, she would want me there. I mean, she would want me there, right?

The day fast approached and Darby informed me that she would be taking the bus to school. I informed Darby that she would never take a bus to school.

T minus two days and counting is when Darby decided she wanted me to come to school with her. It warms a mother’s heart to hear her child console her with flattery; flattery which I was eager to accept.

The first day of preschool finally arrived and Darby was ready to go! She was ready to go from the moment she awakened and was dressed to the nines an hour before school started. We got in the car and made our way toward the huge milestone ahead of us.

We walked into the school and Darby quickly found her cubby and chair. As others filtered in, I hung back and just watched Darby enjoying her new adventure. Kids were clinging to their mothers’ legs, screaming while their little hands were pried away from their safety net. My sweet baby was doing fine, so I decided that I’d better leave before she realized that she, too, needed her mama.

I approached her to give her a kiss and tell her what a great day it was going to be for her. As I neared my darling 4 year old on her first day of school, she looked up at me with an angelic, if not surprised, face.

“Why are you still here?” were her actual words.

So much for a baby needing her mama! I slinked away in embarrassment at the snub I had just received from my posterity.

Darby is doing great in preschool and is not troubled by any pesky attachment to her nerdy mom.

(sorry for the terrible picture; we finally got a charger for our camera battery, but now i cannot find the cord to attach it to the computer, so i web-cammed a picture from the camera. i know, i'm ghetto).

Useless Thoughts On Hair

2010-07-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look at women with long hair and think that their tresses are so beautiful and that maybe I should grow my hair out again. Then I remember having long hair and I re-promise myself that I will never do that again!

For a really long time, my hair was down to the bottom of my back. I was too scared to part with my identity as “the girl with long hair.” About a year into our marriage, I decided to chop it all off and luckily, my Frankie supported my decision. I’ve had short hair ever since and I will never, ever grow it out again! In fact, I want it shorter and shorter. Looking back on pictures of myself with long hair I think, “Gross!” Now, some people really do look good with long hair, but some people do not. I am one of the latter. I’m no longer “the girl with long hair.” I’m actually probably “the girl with a really bad haircut” or “the girl who ought to grow it out”, but at least I can take a chance. And really, for how long can you have long hair without looking like a lady who is too old for long hair? What do you think is the age cut-off? I’m not saying we all need Golden Girl hair (but I’m totally planning on it), just wondering how old is too old for long hair?

Where Have I Been All Your Life?

2010-07-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

So, let’s catch up. Aramie and Kacey (my sister and niece) were here for a few weeks and we had a good time. The girls did not get along, which was a bummer, but when you put two only children together, mayhem is guaranteed to ensue. So, in a nutshell, the girls fought, Aramie and I laughed and ate, my friends loved my sister (of course), and I almost choked to death twice. It was good times.

Now that my brother Nate and his wife, Haley, are moving down, something new has been brought to my realization. Hostess Ding-Dongs have 19 grams of fat and 360 calories a pop! Well, serving size is actually 2 dongs. I know that seems unrelated, but as skinny as my brother is, he is made up of probably 78% processed sugar. When Nate lives here, there is always good food around. So, between my brother and Frankie, the probability of diabetes just skyrocketed in the Parmenter household! Anyway, I only realized those ding-dong stats after I ate one! And I didn’t even like it that much.

What is something deplorable that you love to eat?

Was It You?

2010-07-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Sorry I’ve been so scarce; my sister and niece are in town. I do need to update you on an Adventure of Darby Danae. You don’t want to miss this one.

Aramie and I took our daughters to Hobby Lobby (my fave) and were looking around when Darby realized suddenly that she needed to use the bathroom. “Mom, I have to poop.” Ah, the words every mother loves to hear while shopping in a dirty and unkempt store. We searched for a bathroom and once we found it, were horrified to see that literally every stall in the place was open and each toilet full of doo-doo. Nice. I said, “Sorry Baby, we are going to have to go home. All of these toilets already have poop in them.” I alerted Aramie and we grabbed our daughters and made our way to the front of the store, where we could exit. Darby wanted me to carry her, and as we moved from the back of the store to the front of the store, my sweet little Darbenstien pointed her tiny little finger at each person we passed. She had on her best stink-eye and used her most authoritative and accusatory tone as she said, “Who pooped in the toilet?!”

Seriously, like 20 people were accused by my three year old of pooping in the toilet at Hobby Lobby. The last person received the most venom as Darby pointed, accused, and even slung an insult; "Who pooped in the toilet?! That dirty rat." True story.

As we’ve always expected and been barely able to escape these last 3 years, Darby and I can no longer be seen in respectable society (but after our bathroom experience, can we really call our society ‘respectable?’). If you need us, we are quarantined in our home practicing our manners.

But I think the real issue at hand is exactly what put us in the predicament in the first place; who pooped in the toilet?

"Benign" Is The Word!

2010-06-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you the whole story later, but let me tell you that my lab results from the biopsy are benign, which is such a relief. I am so thankful for that. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, I have felt them.

I Am So Sowwy

2010-06-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

It was a tragedy. And a complete accident. And hilarious.

Yesterday, a telemarketer called offering life insurance. She gave her shpeel and then asked when her boss, Ron, could call and tell me how much he could save us on life insurance. The thing is, she had a speech impediment. She said, “So, when should Won call you to talk about insuwance? Mowning, aftewnoon, ow evening?”

What you have to know about me is that I, too, had this same speech impediment when I was a child. What happened next was unintentional and cwuel. I mean cruel.

I said, “Well, we alweady have life insurance.”

I would never make fun of anybody like that. She didn’t know that about me. After she hung up on me, I felt horrible, but laughed so hard. I am a tewwible pewson.

Nip Tuck (pun intended)

2010-06-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day, my friends. I'll go under the knife at about 11:00 a.m. It is going to be awesome! A medically induced nap in the middle of the morning? Now that is just sweet action. And if my medical staff is as beautiful as the one pictured above, then nothing could go wrong! Those magnificent modelesque scrubs are removing a weird lump from my right breast and then they are going to check it out. Perverts. I'm thinking of asking them to just scoop everything out of both breasts and then fill them up with silicone. Not only would I be as buoyant as a life raft, but I could avoid doing this again in the future. Plus, I think Frank might dig it if I were to come out of there with boobs that had never nursed. The working girls are more than slightly haggard in comparison to when he met them. Anyway, wish me luck! But more than that, wish luck to my dear friend Jamie. She will be keeping the Darb while Frankie and I are vacationing at the hospital.

Which Way Do You Want To Go, Hmmm?

2010-06-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

What does this picture make you think of? If we are kindred spirits, then it makes you think of the movie Labyrinth. I love that movie. Other childhood movies of mine are Goonies, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the old one, of course), One Crazy Summer, and I can't really think of any others right now. The t.v. shows I grew up on include Belle & Sebastian and Today's Special.

Darby is into Curious George and Jumanji. She went through an 8 Seconds phase, but I had to squash that as it isn't really a wholesome children's movie. She also likes Hello Kitty, though Darby calls her "Hello Beauty Cat." She has a Hello Beauty Cat bike, and that is where that all started.

What movies/shows did you love as a child?

San Diego

2010-06-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

We had the opportunity to visit my brother Dustin and his wife, Jessie, in San Diego this last weekend. We had such a great time and they took such good care of us! We haven't seen them in almost a year and it was so nice remedy that. My older brother, Nate, was with us, too, and it was just so great to be with everyone. We went to the beach, which Darby loved, of course, and then they took us to Sea World. Darby had the time of her life! Thanks, Dusty and Jessie, for taking such good care of us and letting us come visit.

The Princess and the Frog: A Critique

2010-05-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

Darby was lucky enough to receive “The Princess and the Frog” from her Gran this last weekend. She was so, so excited and wants to watch it every waking hour. I didn’t really know anything about the movie except that it is Disney’s first black princess and that it supposedly is such a breakthrough movie. Have you seen it?

Well, I beg to differ when it comes to the movie breaking through stereotypes. I thought it was a black princess, but it is not. The main character, Tianna, is a lower-class girl working two jobs (for white people) to try and make a better life for herself. Yeah, what a break through. Then, she tries to buy a building, but is denied because she is black (I think; I wasn’t really paying tons of attention at that point because I was cooking dinner). Then, our black heroine is turned into a frog via voo doo black magic. Hmmmm. So, our black “princess” is actually a green frog for almost the entire film. She makes gumbo (Forest Gump, anyone?) and falls in love with her latino frog prince and the two of them dupe a few white bayou yokels and what I’m getting at is that I don’t really see a lot of breaking through. She doesn’t even become a princess until she marries the prince and then a Mammyish character says, “It’s gon’ be good!” Come on people. It is a really great movie and lots of fun to watch, all I’m saying is that it wasn’t the class-crossing event it claimed to be.

That said, Darby loves every bit of it and it is a cute movie with a really dark villain, so be sure to watch it before your small children have the chance. That way you’ll know when to fast-forward through the scary parts!

The Thrill of the Fight

2010-05-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

On the movie Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Colonel Glenn says, "A little competition is good for the soul!" I tend to disagree, at least when it comes to mother/daughter scrimmages at soccer practice.

Thursday was Darby’s last practice of the season, so we had a friendly little game between our beautiful, tiny daughters and their saggy, old mothers. During our warm-up, we were supposed to be kicking the ball back and forth with our daughters. That’s when one of the moms decided that she needed to shine. Apparently, this lady thinks she’s Mia Hamm. She wouldn’t kick the ball to her daughter; she was too busy doing fancy little soccer tricks which impressed us all, I’m sure. Finally, in exasperation, her 3 year old threw her arms to the side and said, “Mom, kick me the ball!” It was shaping up to be a very positive experience for our young breed. These psycho moms were out for blood.

So, the game began with the daughters at one end of the field and the mothers at the other. I was wearing a hat and looking down, Eye of the Tiger blasting in my mind. I was pumped.

Suddenly, my 80’s rock fantasy was shattered by a pink and tiny soccer ball which rolled up to my feet. The bill of my hat was blocking out everything else and instinct kicked in. I mean, I had just been mentally rocking out to the greatest pump-up song ever. I kicked the ball and looked up, only to see that my darling daughter was the one who kicked it in my direction. It was tragic and I spent the rest of the game holding Darby’s hand and dragging her to the ball. I even threatened another mom who kicked it away from her.

Darby did great; she scored a goal and everything. She got a trophy. She was cheered on by the crowd as I hoisted her onto my shoulders. None of that kept her from recanting the story to her daddy, saying that I “broke (her) heart” and that I “no love (her) no more.”

You guys, I can’t win for losing.

Have you ever crushed a small child’s dreams? It would make me feel so much better about myself.

I Am Freaking Awesome

2010-05-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

But you already knew that, didn't you? These are pictures of the little side table we found for five bucks at a yard sale. It was ugly, but I saw the potential. Much the same line of thinking Frankie had when he met me. Darby and I painted it and added knobs from Hobby Lobby (my new obsession). I lined the inside of the drawers with scrapbook paper and Mod Podge.

Next, we found this flower and tin sign (which says "you are my sunshine") at Hobby Lobby (of course) and I just had to have them for Darby's room. They were both 50% off and I'm a cheapskate, so it was a match made in Hobby Lobby heaven.

And the crowning glory of Darby's room is her bed with the vinyl flowers my mom got at T.J. Maxx. Yeah, I could have made her bed, but that would have been a little pretentious, right?

So, not that you asked, but that is my little one's room. I try to make it beautiful for her and it is still a work in progress, but I'm liking it so far. Plus, her little garage sale table is so awesome!

What projects are on your plate?

The Darbinator

2010-05-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

Darby gets such a kick out of the webcam. She is just so freaking cute, I thought I'd share our last photo shoot. She was recently doing something crazy and I said, "Okay, Baby. No more of that; it scares Mommy." Darby came over to me and I kneeled down so that we were at eachother's eye level. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Alright. Close your eyes." And that, my friends, is classic Darby.

Baby Burlesque

2010-05-06T18:37:00.001-07:00

This is a picture taken by my friend Jamie of Darby, Jamie's son Varis, and their friend Lindy (Alisha's daughter). So, the other day Darby and her friend Varis were playing in her room. They were looking through books together and it was so sweet to see them being little pals. The doorbell rang and I left the room to let in Varis’ mom, Jamie. She and I talked and laughed for a minute in the living room and then went to check on our little sweethearts who were playing so nicely together.

The door was closed.

Upon opening the door, Varis, who was on Darby’s bed, scrambled to get under the covers. He was shirtless. Darby was hiding behind the door. When she emerged, I found that she was wearing nothing but her chonies and Varis’ shirt!

I turned to Jamie and said, “This better be the last time I ever walk in on your half-naked son on my daughter’s bed and my daughter wearing nothing but chonies and his shirt!”

Of course it was nothing but innocent and we laughed so hard, but it was a little disconcerting, I’m not going to lie, because you know it was Darby’s idea.

What questionable things have you happened upon?

Tell Them Large Marge Sent You!

2010-04-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this, I saw the worst accident I ever seen (please tell me you’ve seen Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. I can’t bear for you to think my grammar is this remedial). There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building...

Well, I guess that is not exactly accurate. There was no fog at all; it was a bright and sunny day. Yesterday, actually. Alisha and I had just finished our visiting teaching and we were hanging out in her kitchen catching up. I dismounted from the stool I was sitting on and bent down to grab something off the floor. Then I tried to sit back down. That’s when it happened. The stool wasn’t where it ought to have been and I went backwards, falling, falling, until I slammed down on her hardwood floor. I took down a plate of scrambled eggs along with me. It was like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building. And when they pulled my body from the twisted, burning wreck, it looked like this...

Alisha is so considerate that she miraculously restrained her laughter until she made sure I was alright. Once my survival was assured (but my dignity destroyed), she laughed so hard that she had to lean on her counter to bear up the hilarity of it all. Alisha is a dancer, so it was just suiting that my moment of dire clumsiness was witnessed by my most graceful friend.

After my supreme acrobatic performance, Darby and I set off for home. We didn’t have the car that day, so I set off on foot, pushing Darby in the stroller (I can’t let her walk alongside busy roads, you know this). We passed a tiny, ancient man in a motorized chair as we crossed on the cross-walk. As we set off down the sidewalk, I heard an ominous humming coming up behind us. It got closer and closer and I quickened my pace. Finally, I decided that if I was going to be able to protect Darby, I had to find out what we were up against. I looked back only to see said ancient man drive his chair off the sidewalk and into the road, ultimately blowing past us like a bat out of hell! Apparently I walk too slowly for mechanized chairs. Apparently, those chairs are fitted with hemi engines.

It was not a good day for self-esteem in the Parmenter household.

What is one of your most embarrassing moments?

True Story

2010-04-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

We all know that public bathrooms are a trial for me. I am able to avoid them almost always, but my 3 year old is a different story. Darby loves public bathrooms. And she pees a lot. This is why I keep a potty-chair in the car at all times. I know it sounds crazy, but it is actually brilliant. However, I am not willing to take Darby out of Sacrament meeting to have her pee in the car. We Mormons are notorious stragglers and I don’t want the reputation which is sure to ensue after one fashionably late person sees my baby peeing in the car in the parking lot.

So, Sunday was our Easter program at church. It was really beautiful with gorgeous music and my gorgeous gal Alisha giving a powerful talk. After the talk, Darby had to go potty, so I reluctantly took her to the bathroom. I know the bathrooms are cleaned every Saturday, but I’ve been one of the volunteers to clean the bathroom on a Saturday and so I know first-hand that our methods leave something to be desired.

I have a strict Darby-in-a-Public-Bathroom Policy. It is this: DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING. So, ever obedient Darby (ha ha) held my hands with both of her hands as she scooted herself back on the massive toilet. She looked down to make sure her stream was making it in the bowl. I looked down at her because she took one of her hands from mine and was rubbing her head, as though it was hurting. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.

It was wet.

“Lick my head.” Those where her real words. I replied with a question; “Why?” She replied with the worst words she could have uttered in that particular situation. “Because potty got on it.”

That’s right, people. Potty splashed up out of a public toilet and onto my daughter’s head, which head I then kissed. With my lips. Potty.

I think that in the future, I’ll opt for the reputation of the weirdo at church who makes her kid pee in the car. It is better than the alternative.

So, what’s up with you?

2010-04-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

Darbenstein

2010-04-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

My mom was in town for the last week and a half and it was so fun! I’ll post some pictures of our visit when she sends them to me (you know my camera battery woes). I’ll talk about our visit when I have some pictures to go along with it. Otherwise, I don’t really have much to say this time around (count your many blessings), but I wanted to post some pictures of Darby. These are from a few Saturdays ago when she was helping with the yard work. That basically translates into Darby chasing us around with the leaf blower. Couldn’t you just kiss that little face forever?!

Bend It Like Darby

2010-03-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

In response to popular demand, I am posting a picture of Darby in her soccer get-up. We haven't received jersies yet, so my little Bekham is just wearing a regular top. Of course I took the pictures on my webcam right before practice yesterday, so they are a little blurry. A cuter child never existed.

Squeaky Clean

2010-03-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

I took Darby in for her 6 month dental exam today and she did awesome! No cavities and she even let the hygienist do a thorough cleaning. She did a great job and I am really proud of her. Look at those beautiful teeth and that gorgeous child!

The Recruit

2010-03-20T23:01:00.001-07:00

Darby is amazing. We all know that.

Frankie took the Darbinator to the park last Saturday and she started kicking around a soccer ball with a little girl she met a few minutes earlier. Then, the little girl’s dad came over and started kicking the ball with Darby. He turned to Frank and said, “She is amazing.” Frank said that we are pretty impressed with her and the man said, “No; she is awesome.” He went on to tell Frankie that he is the coach of a little girls’ soccer team and that they need Darby and asked Frank to please sign her up. He wrote down his name and number, the team name, where to go to sign up, etc.

How cool is that? My three year old got recruited at the park!

And he was right. We signed her up and I took her to her first practice on Thursday. This girl is amazing! She’s never touched a soccer ball in her life, but she stole the friggin’ show. I kept hearing the coach say, “good kick Darby!” and I could tell that he was really pleased with her. She was awesome. So, we took her to the store to get a soccer ball. There were pink ones and blue ones and all sorts of pretty colors for her to pick from. She chose the classic black and white ball. That’s right, all business for Darby the Destroyer! I’m so proud of my little girl.

You want to know what is the cutest thing in the history of ever? Darby in shin-guards and cleats. So, I’m starting out my days as a soccer mom a little early and I’m looking quite forward to living vicariously through my super-star daughter.

MS is BS!

2010-03-17T14:35:00.000-07:00

My sweet and devoted sister-in-law Jessica is doing a walk to raise money for the MS Society. I’m so grateful to and humbled by her for being so loving and dedicated. So, I’m posting her website, just in case anyone is feeling rich and has a few extra bucks to donate to her team. Their name is the best; “MS is BS!” Isn’t that hilarious?! And so true!

Here is her site, should you feel so inclined. http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/MSisBS Isn’t that just the sweetest thing to do? She had a team all put together and was already entered in the walk before she even told me about it. What a sweet sister I have. She and I have known each other since she was only 14 years old. I loved her before this, of course, but she is going above and beyond and I’m so thankful for her.

MS really is BS, and true to her nature, Jessica is doing something about it.

Toddler Blasphemy

2010-03-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

We have said prayers with Darby every night since she was an infant. Recently, we've been encouraging her to say her own prayers with us whispering certain things for her to add. So, the other night, she was doing a pretty good job all on her own. Until she prayed in the name of Jesus Christ and Emily Elizabeth, Amen. Emily Elizabeth is a character on Clifford the Big Red Dog. It seems that we went wrong somewhere along the way.

Feel The Burn

2010-03-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

As you can probably tell from my picture above, I've been working out. I have been slaving away to Jillian Micheals' 30 Day Shred. I like this one because it kicks my trash and it's only about 30 minutes long (and it is way intense!) and that's as long as Curious George lasts. Yep, that's how I get my exercise time in; from 9-9:30 while the Darbs is enthralled by a mischievious monkey. How about you? What is your favorite work-out?

And bear with me; it is midterm week and it is a doozy.

Dancing Queen

2010-02-21T14:19:00.001-08:00

Darby had a dance recital in December. How do you think it went?

You are right.

She ran off the stage the whole time and the crowd was laughing so much at my darling little girl just hamming it up. She totally stole the show! I don’t know why I was surprised that it was Darby who ran off the stage the whole time. Man, isn’t she beautiful? She chose that pose all by herself; nobody was coaching her or anything. She is just so precious.

I have to give credit for the photo to Kristi Ellingson. I have to because I said I would. I encountered a heck of an ordeal trying to print this photo for my family. I don’t have a copy right, I just bought the digital file. Apparently the woman at Wal-Mart used to be some sort of law enforcement official because she gave me some trouble because I didn’t have proof that I bought the copy right. Anyway, it was lame but it worked out.

Let’s not forget the issue at hand: Darby is so precious. This was her costume for “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” Next recital, her class is going to be dancing with their daddies to “Someday My Prince Will Come.” Now THAT is going to be so, so sweet!

Sneaky-Sneaky

2010-02-15T13:46:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to tell you. She gets it from her father.

I was writing an e-mail to my sister and when I was done, I found Darby at the kitchen table eating the last piece of ice-cream cake (from my birthday). She sneaked it out of the freezer whilst I was out of the room. Can't you just imagine her thought process? She saw her chance and she took it! I wonder how long she had been waiting for me to turn my back. You'll notice an apple, the snack she was supposed to be eating, looking on in jealousy.

She was very proud of her successful endeavor. I was pretty impressed myself!

Darby, Darby, Darby. How boring my life would be without you! I love her sneaking little face!

Transgression

2010-02-14T16:09:00.001-08:00

Today, Darby gave the Article of Faith during the opening exercises in primary. Why would someone call on a 3 year old to give the second A of F? Some adults have a hard time with the word "transgression"! Anyway, Darby did great. Especially with the words "punished" and "transgression."

Go figure.

Aside from her devious tendencies, isn't she so adorable?

The Hand of God

2010-02-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. You are so sick of reading about MS that you could barf. Hang in there; I’m almost done. I have a really cool story for you. We all know that I like to joke and tease, but this is serious for real. The orchestration of this series of fortunate events leaves no room for questioning the hand of the Lord in our lives.

So, I was starting my new ms therapy, but the company had yet to send me the injections or the special injecting tool (which is so cool, by the way). They are sent separately for some reason, so I had to wait for the arrival of both before I could schedule an injection training. I’ve injected myself with my other meds before, but it is a totally different type of injection. Anyway, upon speaking with someone from the specialty pharmacy, I learned that they sent the injecting tool to our old apartment, so they just sent me a new one. The following day, someone from the pharmacy called me, telling me that they had a woman (Aisha) on the phone and she had received the first tool they sent. It was a conference call, so I could hear both the pharmacy woman and the woman from the apartments. The pharmacy woman said, “Aisha, Hillary has already received a new one, so you can just throw that one away.” I felt bad; I didn’t want her to feel dumb for doing a good thing by calling the company. So, I said, “I’d actually like to come and pick that up, Aisha, if we could set up a time.” So, we set up a time for me to stop by and pick it up at her apartment. A weird thing was that the company put my phone number as the apartment number, so while all the apartment numbers (in that complex) are 3 digits, they put “1634” on the package. Then, the brilliant man at fed-ex delivered it to apartment # 264. Anyway, I wanted to give her a little treat for being so courteous, so I brought her some cookies. When Darby and I arrived at her apartment, I took one look at her and said, “Well, I brought you some cookies, but I can tell by looking at you that you don’t eat cookies.” She smiled and said, “No, I don’t eat sugar; I have MS.” I was like, “Shut up! That’s why I’m here; this is my autoject!” Anyway, we started talking and I asked her what therapies she’s been on and she said that she hasn’t been on any. She has only done natural things and that she has had NO disease progression (she was diagnosed the same summer I was). I was on meds for 10 of the 20 months that I’ve had MS and I have had mild to moderate progression (which is better than it could be, of course). So, I asked her what she is doing to remain so well and she wrote down books for me to read and homeopathic doctors for me to see and it was so awesome! So, I went home and researched a little about what she does and learned that the diet she follows (not for weight loss, just for health benefits) has been studied for over 30 years and that those who followed the diet showed no significant deterioration in all that time. Is that amazing, or what?

I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us. More and more I recognize those “tender mercies” we hear so much about. I usually feel so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and then I am shown the hand of God in my life and I am so amazed and thankful that He knows I am here and that I am made aware that I matter to Him. I know we all do.

Hey, Hey, Hey; Goodbye.

2010-01-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Avonex,

This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write.

So, today I started my new MS therapy and it was awesome! With Avonex (my previous med) the needle was crazy big and painful and I was so sick after and blah blah. Well, today I started Copaxone and it was love at first stick! First off, there is an injector so that all you do is press a button and the medicine delivers itself! The needle is so, so small that I didn’t even feel the injection and the only side effect was a little stinging and a small welt. It was so awesome! So, I’m breaking up with Avonex for forever. It’s over, please try to understand.

On another happy note, today is Frankie’s and my 6 year anniversary. Can you believe that an amazing guy like Frank would put up with me for this long? I am so thankful that he has disregarded the truth that he is way out of my league. He is wonderful; I’ve never known anyone like him. I love him so much.

What is something that you like about Frankie?

Awkward!

2010-01-28T12:54:00.000-08:00

So, people are too tactful to ask me sometimes about my health. I don’t blog about it too much because that’s lame. So, here is some clarification. And remember that my life is an open book and no question is too personal or off limits with me, so don’t feel uncomfortable about this stuff. I’ve had my MS meds on the brain lately because I will be starting (next week) a new MS med. We all know that I was off my meds for a while, and in the meantime, we had an insurance change. Because of this change, I can now get the MS therapy (injection) we’ve wanted to try from the very beginning. I was on Avonex, the really long needle you see pictured above. It is a once a week injection which must go into the muscle (thigh or upper arm---I only did thigh after we hit bone in my arm. Yeah, makes you shudder, doesn’t it!) and it makes you tremendously ill for the next 24 hours. That was lame. The shorter of the two needles is the size of the new medicine I will begin. It will be a daily injection, but I think it will be better. The side effects are not so severe and I’m really optimistic. It costs $2,900 a month without insurance. Thanks to Heavenly Father and Frankie, we have insurance and it will only cost us about $20 a month. Much better! If you have questions about Multiple Sclerosis, you can ask me or you can go to my favorite MS site, called MS Sucks. It is written by someone with MS about his experience and he lists a lot of facts that are hard to find. The address is multiplesclerosissucks.com and I think he is hilarious! I really don’t know a ton about the disease, to be honest. I figure I’d better not look it up because I’ll freak myself out and I’m already doing all I can do to stay healthy, so what’s the point? And I am healthy, just for the record. I sprint after Darby all day long and do everything I’ve always done, so don’t worry about me. I just wanted to show off my needles so you’d think I’m tough and I thought you might want an update.

On a sad note, my favorite author, J.D. Salinger, died yesterday. I mean, he was wicked old, like 90 or something, so I guess it’s not all that sad. He lived a long, weird life. Look him up sometime; you will not be bored, that’s for sure. He drank his own pee because of his religious beliefs. I will not be converting anytime soon. Who is your favorite author?

Looking Cheap

2010-01-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

I am very lucky. I have some really awesome friends. And my awesome friends have awesome ideas. This is one of them that I stole from Alisha. You should see her playroom; it is amazing. Mine is less impressive, but I’m working on it. This shelf of books you see is 7 feet of rain gutter. We got 10 feet of it for $7 at Home Depot. We screwed it into some studs and voila! It is a great bookshelf because the books are at eye-level for Darby and her friends AND they are all facing forward so that the kids aren’t just pulling out books because they can’t see the covers. And it is simple, cheap, and space-saving; three of my favorite things!

What are some of your really great and cheap ideas?

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving!

2010-01-24T19:52:00.000-08:00

I did it. I actually turned 30.

It was great! Everyone made my birthday so great! I opened presents from my sister in the morning and she has fabulous taste, so I was totally thrilled. I opened (early…hee hee) presents from my mother-in-law and have been enjoying those all week. My girl Alisha organized a big lunch with all my friends and it was so fun! I went and got my hair cut (that’s the picture...not geat pics, but I just took them with the webcam really fast to show my sis) and shopped till I dropped (thanks Mootie and Daddy!) and got a phone call from just about everyone. Frankie and I went to dinner and he and everyone treated me like a queen. I wish it was my birthday every day!

I love all of you. Thank you so much for giving me such a great day.

To Do Lists

2010-01-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

you know, as i near the exit of my 20's, i was reflecting on what i have accomplished in the last decade. i served a mission, married in the temple, had a baby, went back to school, and bought a house. that is nothing to sneeze at (nothing at which to sneeze? too pretentious), right? RIGHT?!. so, what goals should i set for the next decade? really, isn't it all downhill from 30 on? just kidding! but, i need some ideas. so, what are your goals for the next decade of your life?

P.S. I Love You... Hot Dogs.

2010-01-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

My friend Alisha said something really funny while I was eating a hot dog (of course) and I almost choked. She urged me not to choke on a hot dog because she would hate to read that obituary. Now that's just good, solid advice. It would read as follows:

A bereaved Parmenter family today remembers their beloved Hillary. She was a crabby wife, a negligent mother, and an avid hot-dog eater. The service was simple and short, her body being interred whilst a lone bugle sounded “my bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R…” The pall-bearers briefly buckled under the weight of their kindred dead, but quickly recovered, with only one person sustaining life-threatening injuries. The autopsy revealed what family had already suspected: hot-dog asphyxiation. “We always encouraged her to swallow before she took another bite, but she wouldn’t listen” her sister said through her tears. Wienerschnitzel catered the event.

Ball Park was not available for comment.

How would your obit read?

Jesus Wants Darby For A Sunbeam!

2010-01-03T13:11:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe it; Darby started Sunbeams today. Her teachers said she did really well and that she didn't make a fuss or anything. I'm not going to lie; nursery was pretty uneventful without her. I'm so proud of my little big-girl and can't believe she is a Sunbeam already.

in progress

2010-01-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

hey guys. i cannot find a banner for this background and i'm not sure i'm going to stick with this one anyway. what are your favorite blog background/banner websites?

Pleasant Surprise

2009-12-31T07:51:00.000-08:00

I made something yummy last night, and we all know how surprising that is. I made chicken and wild rice, and while that was good, the surprising part was the glaze I made to drizzle on the chicken. I diced and sautéed a green apple, then added chopped walnuts and ¼ cup of maple syrup. Sounds sickening, right? It was so delicious! My good intentions are rarely good, so I was really pleased with myself. Now, don’t be too impressed; I got the idea off of the wild rice package (what, did you think I made either on my own?). My dad once told me that my sage wisdom to Darby would be, “If God wanted us to eat it, He would have put it in a package.” That is my mantra, but I did at least make the glaze from scratch and not a dehydrated package (like my rice).

What weird cooking success have you had?

Christmas Continued

2009-12-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

making pie with Gran.

Darby dancing with her daddy

more dancing with Daddy

floor sliding. notice Brett and Frankie's hands working together to get the most distance possible!

don't you love this face?

these pictures belong with the last post. i'm not very good at this and i'm sort of rushing. so, read the last post because it belongs with these pictures. also, i forgot to tell you that for the 15 hour drive with a potty-trained child, we brought a potty-chair in the car and it was the most brilliant idea i ever had and it worked perfectly!

Christmas

2009-12-28T06:38:00.000-08:00

time of Darby's life!

she loves the snow.

Frankie and Pa making a couch for Darby.

Darby, Montanna, and Auntie Britney

little happy cousins

Alright, I’ll start with the business and then we’ll get to the fun stuff. It has become imperative that I get back on my meds, so Frankie and I are no longer trying to get pregnant. This isn’t a pity plea; I only mention it because a lot of you were praying for us and we are really grateful to you and thankful for that. It just seems that it isn’t the time, so it’s nothing to be sad about; our Heavenly Father is aware of us and that’s it.

We had a great Christmas! Darby opened her presents from us the Saturday before Christmas. She got a ton of stuff, including a Hello Kitty big-girl bike. She calls it her "Hello Beauty Cat Bike." She took off on it and I had to run to keep up with her! Then we took off that afternoon for Colorado. We arrived at Brett and Corrine’s on Sunday evening and spent the next week just enjoying our family. We got to see Adam, Lindsey, and Montanna for a few days before they left for Utah, and that was so fun. We’ve missed them since they moved away. Darby had a blast playing with Montanna and Britney especially! She is so loved and entertained by our family. Frankie and Brett had her lay on her stomach on the wood floors and they pushed her so she slid on her belly across the room. She loved that! She got to watch the Tinkerbelle movie and I got to watch Star Trek. Frankie and Brett built Darby a little couch and it turned out so great! I helped make pie crust, believe it or not. Darby had so much fun playing in the snow. She had the best day of her young life when we took a walk and a neighbor let Darby pet and feed her horses. We had such a nice time and really hated to leave.

Some people really have trouble with their in-laws. I am so lucky and thankful for mine. Frankie has a really great family and I am so glad to be a part of it; I love them and consider them my own. I don't know how i got so lucky to come from a great family and marry into one (for a rare picture of my whole Judd family, see Aramie's blog aramieandkacey.blogspot.com).

How was your holiday?

I Can't Put My Arms Down!

2009-12-18T14:57:00.001-08:00

Well, we are supposedly leaving tomorrow for Colorado, where we will be all bundled up for the next week. So, Merry Christmas to each of you and I hope you have a really great and safe holiday.

Como Te Llamas?

2009-12-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

Last night, Frankie was teasing me about something that I don’t commonly share; an incident which occurred when I was in kindergarten. As a savvy 5 year old, I decided that it would be better if I were named Helen. So, I took it upon myself to scratch “Hillary” off of everything I owned and write “Helen” instead. I’m sure it was confusing for my teacher to find out half-way through the year that “Hillary Judd” was defunct and a new student, “Helen Judd” had taken her place; from her desk to her cubby. The fink teacher alerted my parents and my dreams of being named Helen had to be cast away.

Thank goodness. Helen is not a pretty name (if you are named Helen, no offense. But you know it is true).

So, we were laughing about that and I asked Frankie what he would’ve changed his name to when he was a kid. His response was perfect. “Probably something lame,” he began, “like Jason. Or Captain Kirk.”

Thinking back on yourself as a young child, what name would you have chosen?

Devil Wears Steve Madden

2009-12-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

While attempting to organize our bedroom, Frankie and I had a disagreement. Imagine that. He said that if we get the dressers that I want, we won’t need to eventually add on a walk-in closet (you know, when we suddenly become rich). I said that we needed a walk-in closet for the storage of my shoes. He then blasphemously suggested that I get rid of some of my shoes. I’m so sure. He then asked if I thought I had too many shoes to which I replied that I obviously don’t think so. He said, “I’m going to take a poll. I’m going to take a poll at church next Sunday and see how many pairs of shoes each woman has and I guarantee that you have more than all of them.” I said, “But you can’t poll certain people, like Alisha. She’s far too sensible to buy tons of shoes!” It’s true; she always looks perfect, but is such a sensible shopper. So is my sis Haley. And my sis Jessica, for that matter. I hope to be more like them someday. Anyway, so I need each of you to go to your closet right now and count your shoes. Please have more than or near 65 pairs. That would be helpful to me (and awesome for you!). I am particularly interested in Aramie’s count; she’s definitely going to be on my side. That’s what sisters are for. And Bing; I already know how you feel about this. Don't judge me!

What are you waiting for? Go count your shoes!

Delicious

2009-12-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

In a desperate attempt to forget about Dustin and Jessica's volatile attitude towards A Christmas Story, I’ve been wondering about something. Sure, I could look it up online, but what with all the school-work I have to do, I am intensely averse to researching anything of my own free will and accord. So, here is my question: From where do fruit flies come? I mean, are their little babies living in my fruit and if I don’t EAT them right away, they then have time to hatch? Are they birthed right out of my banana? That is filthy.

Without researching it, what is your theory?

Poetry. Sheer Poetry.

2009-12-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

My favorite Christmas movie of all time is A Christmas Story. We’ve all seen it, and we’ve all loved it. When I lived at home, it would play for 24 hours on Thanksgiving day. It is quite possibly the greatest film ever made.

What are your favorite Christmas movies?

The Respectful Declination

2009-12-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

So, today Darby asked me if I wanted to smell her giney. Yeah, you read that right. We tease her that her armpits and feet stink and she laughs when we act like she’s stinky (which she rarely is, by the way). So, today while she was in the bath, she asked me if I wanted to smell her feet and I pretended they were stinky and we had a good laugh. Then she asked if I wanted to smell her giney, and it got a little awkward. I mean, how do you respond to that? I’m just teasing; it didn’t get awkward and it was actually hilarious. I declined, by the way, just in case you were wondering. So which one of you sickos taught that to my baby?!

What is the weirdest thing a small child has asked you?

Worst Idea Ever

2009-12-03T13:01:00.000-08:00

Seriously, who okayed and then profited off of candy cigarettes? That is just the most negligible creation. But, they sure are delicious! Didn’t you love those as a kid?

What is something you loved as a child?

Wii The People

2009-12-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend, we went to visit our dear friends Liz and Kris down near Tucson. They have 2 sons and another on the way and Darby has just as much fun we do. Kris and his family lived 2 doors down from my family all growing up and he was my brother Dustin’s best friend and one of mine, too. Liz was my roommate in the MTC, so we have a lot of history with this great family. Anyway, our friends introduced us to their Wii while we were there. I hate video games. I’m terrible at them and have no sort of coordination at all. That said, I love the Wii! It was so much fun! And I even beat Frankie at a game or two. We were so into it that I was sore for like, 2 days after! Anyway, it was way fun and I know everyone else has played it before, but I hadn’t. The last video game I played was at their house, but it was Call of Duty and I couldn’t get my little guy out of the corner and I just screamed the whole time. Before that, it was regular Super Mario Brothers. And I’ve never passed level 3.

Other than that, I thought you could use a recap of our Thanksgiving. I cooked a 6 pound turkey breast at 450 degrees for 3 and ½ hours. Yeah, I didn’t realize until the last 30 minutes that I should have turned the heat down about 100 degrees and cooked it for about an hour and a half less. But, I still didn’t turn it down or take it out! I just decided to see what happened. The top was charred black, of course, but luckily I placed it breast down in broth, so the turkey turned out awesome! It was looking pretty dismal at first, but it turned out great. Darby ate a nutrigrain bar and called it a day. I guess she’s not a fan of gourmet cooking.

A really great guy from our mission died over the holiday. I don’t want to touch on that too much, I just feel really sad, especially for his wife. Please pray for the Jones family.

For FHE last night, we put up our tree and lights. I have all my nativity scenes set up and I love it. We listened to the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album, which I love, and then we drank hot chocolate with candy canes for stirring. I love to spend time as a family.

How was your holiday?

Dia de Palvo (or Polvo, if you are Aramie)

2009-11-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving! I just wanted to give you all an update on our day so far. As most of you know, we are on our own for this meal for the first time ever. Most of you also know how domestically inept I really am. I think Adam put it best when he asked me yesterday about our Thanksgiving plans. He asked, “So, are you just going to go to Red Robin, or what?” And that’s exactly what we should have done. Let me ‘splain. Frankie’s Thanksgiving must and favorite dessert is cherry pie. But, he likes it cold. So, I cooked that first thing this morning so that it could cool and then go in the fridge. Don’t be too impressed at my ability to cook a pie; Corrine made the crust when she was here last and the filling was from a can. Anyway, Mom told me that I should have put the pie on a cookie sheet to bake it because fruit pies have a tendency to spill over. I didn’t know this as I dislike fruit pies and stay far away from them under normal circumstances. So, there was a ton of filling that spilled into my upper oven. I meant to clean it, so I turned off the oven to let things cool. I forgot, of course. So, I then made Aramie’s famous pumpkin spice cake and preheated the oven to cook it. Smoke began to billow into the house and before we knew it, we were suffering from smoke inhalation. 4 ceiling fans, open doors, and fanning towels later, we are breathing a little more easily. So, I go to clean the 350 degree burnt junk off the oven and find that I cannot lift the plate which covers the flame. I scraped it all with a spatula resulting in my having billions of pieces of burnt cherry filling just sitting in the oven, not knowing the best way to remedy the situation. Frankie and I are stricken by the same epiphany simultaneously. “Dust-buster!” Yes, I did. And it worked like a crazy charm! Just so you know, the dust-buster has lots of unadvertised uses. I hope your day is so great! Today, I am thankful for my family, the true gospel of Jesus Christ, a place to live, food to eat, and dust-busters. Amen.

How is your day shaping up?

The Cheese Incident

2009-11-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

the following is a true story. i have changed no names as nobody is innocent. this form is actually an essay i wrote for one of my classes this semester. it was fun to write and remember, and i got a really good grade on it. so, for your reading enjoyment, may i present to you the Judd Tale Theater story of The Cheese Incident.

Standing at 5’6, Aaron was not yet an intimidating figure. So, not only his stature but also his tender age of twelve made him an unlikely prankster in the family. That didn’t stop him. His prey was our older brother, Nathan. Nineteen years old and 6 feet tall, he was slightly more imposing. Aaron has always been fearless. I was sitting upstairs, reading a magazine when he walked past me and into the kitchen. The refrigerator door opened and shut. Aaron emerged from the kitchen carrying one individually wrapped Kraft single. As he headed for the stairs, I knew something interesting was about to happen. Aaron always made interesting things happen. I wanted in, so I inquired about the cheese and he motioned for me to follow him.

The downstairs bathroom was positioned just beyond the laundry room. This is where we set the trap. Nathan was getting ready for a date and Aaron couldn’t pass up the opportunity. The shower was still running and we knew Nathan was a fan of throwing his clothes into the dryer to work out any wrinkles. It’s the lazy man’s way to iron. So, we gauged the length of his stride from the bathroom door to the dryer. When we felt like we had found the right space, we un-wrapped the cheese. A slight argument ensued over whether or not to leave the slice lying on top of the plastic wrap, but logic overcame and while we wanted to tick off our brother, we knew better than to tick off our mom with cheese smashed into the carpet. Our devil-may-care attitudes extended only so far. So, with the cheese face up in front of the dryer exactly where we thought Nathan’s foot would land, we ran up the first half of the stairs to where they wrapped up to the second flight. Positioned safely ducking under the banister, we waited.

The shower stopped. We stifled an anticipatory giggle. The door opened. Our hearts began racing. The dryer door opened and shut. The bathroom door closed. No reaction. We looked at each other, puzzled, then clambered over one another as we raced toward the cheese. What went wrong? How could this have missed? It was fool-proof! Knowing that Nathan had only retrieved his boxers from the dryer and would still need his pants, we rethought our stride, stepping from the closed bathroom door to the dryer. We once again placed the cheese. We once again bounded up the steps and once again took our huddled places just beyond the curve of the stairs. Suddenly, Aaron had an epiphany. “The cheese is too far,” he whispered, barely audibly, “I’m going in!” We knew the timing was dangerous, but the cheese had to be moved. “God speed!” I whispered loudly, peering over the banister as Aaron stepped hurriedly, intent on correcting our error.

He barely made it back to our eagle’s nest when the door opened. We huddled closer, waiting. Nathan’s voice boomed through both levels of our home, “What? Ch...cheese? How…wha… I stepped in cheese? I stepped in a damn piece of cheese!” We looked at each other instantly and I imagine my face was much like my brother’s; wide, smiling eyes, mouth tightly closed, a laugh threatening to burst out at any second. The bathroom door closed again and we raced up the rest of the stairs and took unassuming positions on the couch, Aaron with the newspaper and me with a magazine. Our bodies trembled in silent laughter behind our disguises. Only Dad was witness to our mischief.

“What did you guys do?” he asked, in an exacerbated tone. We described to him, in hushed voices, our perfect crime. Between bouts of laughter, we barely got it out. “Geez, guys!” he said, chuckling and shaking his head. It’s no small feat to make dad laugh.

We heard heavy steps scaling the stairs.

Our faces straightened as best they could under the circumstances, and we pretended to be engrossed in our reading material. We were not suspicious looking at all.

“Dad,” Nathan began, “I got out of the shower and I stepped in a piece of cheese right there in the laundry room. A damn piece of cheese!” His intonation told that he was totally disgusted at the state of our home; a place so filthy that an innocent shower-taker could step in a stray cheese slice.

“What?” Aaron said with a poker face. “You stepped in cheese?” “Weird!” I added, drawing on my theater training. Nate grew suspicious immediately before dad ratted us out. “Nate, your brother and sister did that to you.”

The look on his face almost made me feel remorseful. He was betrayed and totally speechless. Aaron and I, of course, burst into maniacal laughter at the best prank ever played and Nathan just looked at us in disbelief.

“You guys did that?” His tone was both hurt and impressed. Aaron always has a ready answer and said, “What did you think, Nathan; that there was just some piece of cheese hanging out in the laundry room?” Nathan admitted that it seemed strange, but why would he suspect that someone had set a trap for him? It was a reasonable question. He walked to the brass coat hanger and slipped on his jacket. He noticed that there was something in the pocket. Unbeknownst to me, Aaron’s prank was not yet over.

The horrified look on Nathan’s face as he pulled from his jacket pocket the matchbox car with the note attached was all Aaron needed. My baby brother erupted in his trademark belly laugh and without even knowing the punch-line, Dad and I started laughing, too. We knew it had to be pretty terrible. I don’t reveal family secrets, so I won’t tell you what was written on that note. Suffice it to say that Nathan spent the next several minutes furiously washing his hands.

what is something funny that has happened in your family?

sorry saps

2009-11-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

yeah, i've seen New Moon, suckers! and i haven't even read the books. blasphemous, right?

Precious

2009-11-17T08:38:00.000-08:00

Recently, Darby has been extra hilarious. She is so strong-willed at 3 years old, it fills me with trepidation for the teenage years. She’s a tricky little cuss, too. The other day, I was sitting at the table and she was laying on a chair in the living room. I could see her from where I was seated and she called out to me with a pitiful look on her face. “Mom, I need you!” Now, she says this frequently, but there was a tone of distress in her voice, so I rushed over to find out what was wrong. I said, “Baby, what do you need?” She sat up and said, “I need you…to get out of your chair!” She then jumped off of her chair and ran to sit in mine! I couldn’t believe it. Outsmarted by a 3 year old. Again. The other day, she was on a roll with the funny things she was saying. Frankie got home from work and she rushed into his arms and said, “Daddy! I missed my car.” Later, Frankie kissed her and told her that he loved his daughter. Darby crinkled her brow into a stink-eye and said, “I’m not Daughter, I’m Darby!” Finally, we were all playing and I pretended to hit Frankie (yes, pretended). Darby put her hand on my arm, as though to hold me back, and said, “Don’t touch Dad! He’s my sister.”

She is currently kicking the wall as hard as she can. Not really sure why.

Rise and Whine!

2009-11-13T07:39:00.000-08:00

This is a webcam picture of Darby lounging on the couch, watching Little Monsters, and hiding her face with an Elmo blanket. I stayed up very late last night working first on homework, then helping Frankie paint his office. While I didn’t have to get up as early as did my poor husband, I am very tired and wondering, what with all the lounging, why are we awake?!

What would be your dream morning?

Home Cooking

2009-11-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

(this is a picture of the Ecuadorian flag flying in the city of Quito)

Darbenstien has fallen asleep on the couch and I hardly know what to do with myself. This is completely unprecedented. And beautiful. You’d think I could come up with something, but I don’t want to waste a nap (which Darby no longer takes and hasn’t since she was 2---I hear it’s genetic, so thanks for nothing, Britney!) on housework. So, what do you think I did? I’ll break the suspense. I ate a whole can of spaghettios. With some goldfish crackers mixed in. It was actually remarkably undesirable, but I ate it nonetheless. Which brings me to another mission story.

If you are looking for a heart-warming, goose bump inducing story, you’ve come to the wrong place. I have those stories; I just never seem to tell them. My spiritual stories are sacred to me. I have to get to know you a little better before I’ll tell those :)

This story is about how nasty I am. Well, most of the stories of my life are about how nasty I am, but this one is different. If you’ve served a mission, you know that you have to get used to eating things that are not exactly what you’d eat at home. Well, I’m not domestic, as we all know, and my Mama wasn’t there to cook for me. So, left to my own devices, my main meal was a mixture of corn flakes, tuna, and barbeque sauce. I know; take a minute to barf and read on.

Tuna and barbeque sauce is something by which I still stand. Give it a shot and then write me back to tell me thanks. I grew up in south Georgia, mind you, and while most Georgians know better than to mix tuna with, well, anything, we all know how important barbeque is to our culture.

That said, I know that my concoction is not only unholy, but unconscionable.

So, we went to an investigator’s house after church one Sunday and began to help the womenfolk prepare lunch for the father. The father was named Fausto and he was a booming, imposing man. Fausto didn’t want us to come around in the first place, but he allowed it because his wife wanted us to come. The first time we met with them, they invited us to have lunch. My comp was an interestingly arrogant girl from Bolivia (la Paz). Fausto asked us our names, and we told him. “Hermana Judd y Hermana Renfijo.” He demanded our first names and Renfijo went on and on about not telling people our first names. She said, “But you can call us ‘Hermanita’.” In Spanish, “ita” added to the end of a word is endearing, and means “little.” Fausto boomed, “I DON’T DO ‘ITAS’!” Renfijo, who always had to be right, said, “You don’t call your wife (who was named Rosa) ‘Rosita?!” She was challenging him and he was ticked. He thundered, “No! I call my wife Rosey!” It was so tense in the dining room with all his children sitting in silence, staring at their father and my comp being super stupid. Without thinking, I said, “So, can we call you Fausty?”

There was silence. This unnaturally huge macho man turned to me, his eyes wide. Wide with what? I didn’t know. I was pretty sure I should just run for the hills and make a new life.

The silence was unnerving. It was long. It was horrifying. And then he roared with laughter. What a relief! I told him our names, but that we preferred to be called “hermana.” He obliged.

So, anyway, weeks later he came home to find us helping his daughter (who was our age) make his lunch. He saw me in the kitchen and said, “Oh, no!” I was genuinely concerned. I asked what was wrong and he said, “Hermana Judd is cooking?! I’m going to have to eat tuna and corn flakes!” And he laughed and laughed at me.

Much like Rodney Dangerfield, I get no respect. Fausto was wonderful and I adored his family. I learned a lot while teaching them. I hope to see them in the hereafter, when they come on a weekend vacation to the Telestial Kingdom. While my cooking skills have improved since then (only slightly), I think I’ll still make them some tuna and corn flakes. I mean, don’t fix it if it ain’t broke, right?

What’s something nasty you’ve had to eat? OR, tell me one of your mission stores.

Give Me Something Good To Eat!

2009-11-09T07:29:00.000-08:00

Now, I had to steal these images from Corrine’s blog because I never take any pictures at all! I rely so much on her to keep a record of my family! I’m so appreciative of her picture taking tendencies and abilities.

So, Darby was a monkey for Halloween. When Uncle Rich asked me what Darby was going to be, I said, “A monkey.” He said, “I know she’s a monkey, but what is she going to be for Halloween?” And that’s my Darbs! Aramie sent us the costume and it was so cute on Darbenstien. She loved the coat; she calls it her “rain coat” and wants to wear it every time we leave the house! She had a great Halloween; her Gran came down for a visit and they made sugar cookies together. Then, we met up with our friends, the Sell family, and took the kids to this neighborhood that closes off a cul de sac and people just line the street in their lawn chairs to pass out candy. It was so fun! Darby thinks it’s so great. She told me the next day (and that night on the way home, actually) that she wants to go again. She made out like a bandit and really enjoyed herself.

At our new house, I bought tons of candy to pass out and we only got 1 trick-or-treater! That’s a grand total of 2 in my whole married life! Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to eat the candy myself. I mean, I wouldn’t want to have to return it to the store. That would be bad for the economy.

How was your Halloween?

Fatty Fatty 2x4

2009-11-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

There’s a fat girl inside me, just trying to eat her way out. I love food. Let’s go through our list of top 3’s.

Breakfast food:
1. McDonald’s breakfast burritos
2. Denny’s Heartland Scramble
3. Cake

Lunch food:
1. Hot dog/chili dog
2. Frozen burrito (cooked, of course)
3. Bologna sandwich

Dinner food:
1. Anything from a drive-thru, large sized fries, please.
2. Pizza (no dirty Little Ceasar’s)
3. Really, whatever I didn’t have to cook is best

Dessert food:
1. Little Debbie cosmic brownies
2. Hostess cupcakes
3. And Aramie’s and my favorite, Suzy Q’s! I’ll tell you that story later.

And you? What are your top 3’s?

I Couldn't Get Married, So...

2009-10-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

Eight years ago tomorrow, I entered the MTC. Armed with my dork-dot and way too much luggage, I embarked on the most incredible 18 months of my life. I got in a lot of trouble in the MTC, for everything from the length of my skirts to the way I wore my hair. Before I adjusted my attitude, I referred to it as "spirit prison." I was already missing my family, and luckily two of my brothers, Dustin and Nathan, entered the MTC two weeks later. I even had a childhood friend in my district. My husband was there, too, though I didn’t know at the time that that's who he would be (contrary to popular belief!). I left for Ecuador the following January. I’m currently writing an essay for one of my classes about the time I was robbed at knife-point, about a year after I arrived in the country. It was exciting! It was lame at the time, but it sure is a good story. So, maybe that’s the one I’ll tell right now.

I was serving in the middle of Quito with Porter at the time, and she was going home in about a week and a half. We were walking to our chapel for the Christmas Conference broadcast and we were less than a mile away. Not two days earlier, we came up behind someone on the street and greeted him with the typical “Buenas noches!” He could see that we were not townies, so he explained to us that you should never greet somebody that way from behind or in front. He said that only bad people do that. I thought the advice strange as I had been in the country for almost a year and had never heard that before. We thanked him and went about our missionary duties, not thinking another thing of it.

Until a couple of days later.

As we walked down that busy road, which was full of cars and devoid of Good Samaritans, two men walked ahead of us. When one of them turned around and said, “Buenas noches,” I stopped dead in my tracks. I then noticed the knife he was holding; the handle was in his hand and the blade extended up to his elbow. This was no butter knife.

Suddenly Porter and I were against the wall behind us (which fenced an Abbey, as it were) and the machete-man was yelling, “Dinero! Dinero!” Then, just in case and as an extra bit of salt in our wounds, he translated for us, “Money! Money!” So, we pulled out our cash ($13 between the two of us) and handed it over. This wasn’t enough. He screamed at us for our watches. Porter’s was a yellow plastic watch she had just bought for a dollar. Mine was a black plastic men’s watch that an acquaintance had given me in my first area. We handed over about $1.50 worth of plastic. My comp dropped her watch as she passed it to him, she was so terrified, and asked in a trembling voice, “Que mas quieran? (what more do you want?)” Seriously? I guess it was easier for me because I was not yet being held by machete man. My assailant seemed to be a mute, doing only what he was directed to do. The next demand was for our bags. We took them off and while Porter handed hers over, I took out my scriptures first and said, “You don’t want these.”

Machete-man was tired of my antics, I guess, and he ran over and pressed his knife to my neck. “Te mato! Te mato!” he screamed (translated: I kill you! I kill you!) My bag now held only my schedule, one tore-up knee high, and a few tampons. Somehow, they were not yet satiated. Poor guys; they were just trying to make a living and let's be honest: this couldn't have been their most lucrative hit! We were next obligated to give them our jackets. I was taking my sweet time because it was my only way to defy them. I couldn’t risk my life over a $12.50 Old Navy jacket, but I was sure pissed. He screamed at me to do it faster and reminded me that he would kill me. I screamed back, “I’m doing it!” He again issued his threat to kill me. Once our things were in his hands, he handed them to his mute goon friend, who ran them across the street. Machete-man then wished us a good evening, with a smile, and ran to join his friend in the darkness of the night.

I saw machete-man a couple of weeks later. He was on my street and he recognized me as I recognized him. He smiled at me, of course, and I was still helpless. I smiled to myself, imagining that he was wearing one solitary, tore-up nylon knee-high under one of his pant legs. Bastard. I also imagine that he read Porter’s scriptures and joined the church. She had her scriptures all marked beautifully and he couldn’t have helped but read the really powerful passages, had he opened the book. So, you know. He’s probably a bishop somewhere in Ecuador, strengthening the stakes. Right?

What’s something scary that has happened to you?

Circle K Feet

2009-10-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

Though that is NOT a picture of my feet, I find that with all the tile in my very own house, I just can’t keep the floors clean enough. No matter what I do, I always end up with Circle K feet (I totally stole that phrase from my dear friend Jamie, who is hilarious). I love my new house, despite my white-trash feet, and want to keep it clean. I’m not off to a very good start!

What are your favorite cleaning secrets?

Play-DOH!

2009-10-26T07:14:00.000-07:00

We were called as Nursery Leaders at church. Probably because I don’t see small children enough during the week. Anyway, I pulled out a pack of play-doh and let the kids pick their own colors. The boys picked greens, the girls picked pinks, and Darby, of course, picked black. That’s right; black. Should I be worried?

What’s something weird that you did as a child or that your child has done?

Sorry

2009-10-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

hang in there, people desperate for diversion. i'm in the process of moving. it's so nice to have my Dad here with us, even though i'm making him work like a slave. Darby is sure loving having Pappy around and so are Frankie and i. so, when things calm down, i'll be back (that might be a threat).

Monkey Breath

2009-10-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

Do you ever catch the tail-end of a conversation or commercial or some form of communication and get the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard? That happened to me this morning. What I actually heard on the t.v. was this: “Now THERE’S a ship that couldn’t be sunk by monkey breath.” Come again? Is there a ship that COULD be sunk by monkey breath? And why do we allow this monkey to live? It seems pretty dangerous to me.

What’s something weird that you have heard out of context?

Scary Beyond All Reason

2009-10-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Is there anything that just gives you the willies? For me, it is lizards. I shudder at the very thought of a lizard. Don’t tell Adam; he’ll catch one, tie a string to its tail and then tie the other end of the string to me! Just ask Britney (it was mice for her, and Frankie was a culprit, too); it’s no bueno. Anyway, once my dear friend Jamie came over and a lizard got in when I opened the door. In that split second, I thought, “I’ll get a cup, put the cup on the lizard, tape the lizard cup to the floor, and wait for Frankie to come home.” Jamie, sensing my hysteria, boldly offered to remove the little beast. And I let her. I let my 8 months pregnant friend bend over and touch that nasty reptile. That’s the kind of person she is, and the kind of person I am, apparently. So, as I was trying to clean the new house (we all know I’m neurotic), I went into the small bathroom to scrub it clean. I saw motion, I flinched. I fought the urge to run. I looked a little closer, making sure it wasn’t a scorpion. The closer I got, the more the dark figure appeared to be, wait for it…wait for it…, a lizard! I screamed and ran out the bathroom. I shoved something under the door so that it couldn’t get out. I called Frankie, who had little sympathy, so I considered calling Jamie. I decided that was too much and I left the house. That was Saturday morning. On Sunday night, we went over to hang some curtains. Frankie bravely searched the bathroom for the intruder, but found nothing. I went over yesterday to finish the pre-move cleaning (thanks to Alisha for babysitting the Darbs) and as I stepped into that bathroom, of course I saw that nasty lizard! But I was all alone and I needed to clean that bathroom. I put on latex gloves and got a cup and a piece of paper. I chased that creepy thing around the bathroom, screaming all the while, and finally captured him! I put him outside, finished screaming, and ran back to the house and locked the door (you know, just in case). It was traumatic, but I was so awesome!

What gives you the willies for no real reason?

The Leap

2009-10-09T08:31:00.000-07:00

We are homeowners. For finally! It took 4 months from start to finish, but Brett and Corrine were generous enough to let us live in their Mesa house while we went through the whole process, so we are very grateful to them for that. Also, Adam, Frankie’s brother, was our real estate agent and we put that poor boy to work! So, we are really excited! Our first house! I think we got a screaming deal and it has all the elements we were looking for. We’ll start moving in hopefully by next weekend. Because I don’t have an income, the lender had me sign a disclaimer saying basically that I have no legal claim to that house. I said, “so, if Frank takes off on me, I can’t get his house?!” She didn’t think I was funny. They didn’t think I was funny when we started the process either. They asked me to list my occupation and I said, “trophy-wife.” Come on, that’s hilarious. So, my daughter and I will soon be living in Mr. Parmenter’s house. Sounds a little scandalous, right?

Great Men

2009-10-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

So, I love Elder Holland. He’s like, the Lord’s bouncer. "Don’t believe it, you schmuck? You’re out of here!" I loved his testimony of the Book of Mormon today. When he said that attempts to discredit the scripture were “frankly pathetic” I just wanted to cheer and cry out “hallelujah, praise the Lord!” He speaks so honestly and plainly and while I’d be terrified to meet him face to face, I am always impressed and emboldened by his words. What a great conference.

Also, today is my darling Frankie’s birthday. He is the most amazing person ever. I rank him with my own dad, and that is a pretty hallowed place that very few have ever reached. I am so thankful that he is my husband. Frankie is the most intelligent, hard working, and good man there is. He’s not too shabby of a kisser, either! I won’t extol him too much here as there are no words sufficient to describe him. I just love him and am thankful he was born.

What was your favorite part of conference?

There Is No Middle Ground

2009-10-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

What is your stand on denim shorts?

Once, when we were in high school, my brother Dustin and I went shorts shopping. Now, Dustin is no respecter of name brands and so he wanted to go to Wal-Mart. How sensible of him. So, there we were, perusing the aisles of possibilities when Dustin’s eyes landed on a pair of denim shorts. He picked them up and tossed them into the cart. We had moved on to a nearby rack when a chubby and otherwise unfortunate looking 10 year old ran over to the rack of denim Faded Glories we had just passed. “Mom! Cool!” he yelled as he grabbed the exact same pair of shorts Dustin had chosen and threw them into his mother’s cart. Without a word and without hesitation, Dustin removed the shorts from our own cart and placed them back on the rack.

When I recently recanted this story to Dustin, he laughed and added, “Wait, why was I buying jean shorts?” I said, “Dust, that’s not the point of this story.” He paused momentarily before asking, in truly confused tones, “yeah, but why would I buy jean shorts?”

And thus we know where Dustin stands on the matter. So now is the time for you to take a stand; there is no middle ground. Do you or don't you wear denim shorts?

So Pretty When I'm Angry

2009-09-29T11:15:00.001-07:00

I’ve been known to get in people’s faces. Since I’ve become a mother, it’s mostly toddler faces. And not my own toddler. For example, today I took Darby to the park for a playgroup activity. She was about to get on a seahorse thing when some monster baby Huey boy grabbed her and pushed her off of it. I imagine that smoke was blowing out of my ears as I hot-footed it over there saying, “Oh, NO!” to rip that kids head off. I ended up just getting in this random 3 year old’s face and saying, “DO NOT PUSH MY DAUGHTER!” through ground teeth. His mom came over and I was ready to go toe to toe with that ill-mannered heathen. But, it was unnecessary as she just got him in trouble and made him go home. Am I a meany? Nope. He got what was coming to him. That’s not the first time I’ve unleashed the mama bear inside me. After a neighbor (and member of the ward) child, again 3 years old, pushed Darby down, I was in that kid’s face, literally yelling and spewing venom. I yelled until she shook her head no, please don’t tell my mom, and then I asked myself, what am I doing? I’m almost 30 years old yelling at a 3 year old! But, I still didn’t feel bad. I’m sure this will eventually get me into real trouble, but I’m okay with that. If parents aren’t going to teach their kids manners, then I’ll do it for them. And I know that my child isn’t the best mannered in the world, however, I watch her closely enough around strangers so that they never have a reason to get in her face, which would in turn give me reason to get into theirs.

Have you ever yelled at a child who wasn’t your own?

Seasons

2009-09-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have to change my blog background to remind myself that there are seasons. Arizona only has 2 seasons; Hot As Hell and Hotter Than Hell. For those of you who are fortunate enough to live elsewhere, enjoy your fall!

What are your kids going to be for Halloween?

Target Practice

2009-09-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever walked into the bathroom to find your 3 year old daughter laughing maniacally, standing on the toilet seat and peeing? Oh, neither have I.

Have you ever attempted peeing while standing (I know I have!)?

Nice Shiner

2009-09-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, don't act surprised. I’m always worried that someone is going to call CPS on me. Darby is usually looking pretty roughed-up and I just can’t help it; she’s out of control! As one of my brothers recently said to me, "Hil, your kid is going to break her arm someday." Probably more than once. Most recently, she pulled her slide down on her face. Well, technically, she was trying to hang from her hula-hoop, which she had dangling precariously off the top of the slide. It all came tumbling down, of course, and she looked really shocked. Seriously, you’d think she’d be used to it by now. I don’t think you can see it in this picture, but she really has a nasty shiner. My little nakey-bakey was totally thrilled to have her picture taken with the webcam. Just for the record, she’s wearing nothing but Hello Kitty chonies and is hugging her best friend, Blue Baby. Man, she’s precious (my child, not Blue Baby).

What’s the craziest thing that your children (or you as a child) have done?

Sugar Bugs

2009-09-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Today Darby had her very first dentist appointment. I worked in a pediatric dental office for about 2 ½ years before Darby was born and I knew that the ADA (American Dental Association) suggests that children begin their dental exams at age 3. I was dreading the day because I know what a wild-cat my child is and the things I’ve done wrong in regards to her oral health and I just didn’t want to put her through it. Well, at the beginning of the week, I started noticing that one of Darby’s front teeth looked slightly discolored. You know me and so you know my mind was everywhere and I was sick with worry. I remembered that 3 year olds hardly ever even sat still for a full exam and if they needed treatment, they’d always have to be sedated; usually they’d have to be put under general anesthesia. I was so stressed. So, today I took her into the office where I worked. It started with some little shit (yeah, I said it) biting her arm in the waiting room. We didn’t see it go down, but her arm was wet and she was ticked. Anyway, I requested my favorite dentist and it worked out that my favorite assistant assisted as well. We got my dental dream team! She did a fabulous job with taking the x-rays, which is rare for a 3 year old, and she did such a great job with the dentist doing her exam. He was even able to do a cleaning for her. She was awesome! I am so proud of her. She didn’t throw a fit or even act afraid. She has no sugar bugs (cavities), by the way, which was such a relief. Way to go, Darby!

What experiences have you had with your kids (or self) in the dentist’s office (Aramie, you have to tell about what Kacey said after her first exam)?

"I've Made a Huge Mistake."

2009-09-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

I’ve made a huge mistake. Today, Darby was asking me if she could throw something up into the ceiling fan. I repeatedly told her no, then grew tired of saying the same thing over and over. The next time she asked, I made a huge, landmark mistake. “I can’t stop you from making a bad choice…” Yeah, I know. Her eyes immediately lit up and as a Grinch-like smile stretched from ear to ear, she said, “You can’t stop me?” Oh man. What was I thinking? I was hoping to keep that information from her at least until she becomes a teenager. What have I done?

What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever said?

Pick-Me-Up

2009-09-10T08:34:00.000-07:00

I thought we could all use a pick-me-up. Because I don't have any available pictures of my Frankie, we'll have to settle for James Franco (and besides, I don't want you all oggling my honey!) . Now, since I am married to Franklin Parmenter, I don't need a movie-star boyfriend. However, I know that many people who are married to lesser men have the need of movie-star loves. But, before you leave your eternal companion for Mr. Franco, I want you to consider the following:

Disturbing, right?

If you were so inclined, not that you are, who would be your movie-star boyfriend/girlfriend?

Alpha-Baby

2009-09-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

If you have kids, do you ever look at your child/ren and think, “Man, I make a beautiful baby!” Well, if you’ve ever met MY child, then probably not. Nobody could ever look at my child and then at theirs and still think theirs is cute. It’s like the time I saw Leo DiCaprio (back when he was attractive to my 16 year old, 17 Magazine-washed mind ) in Romeo and Juliet. I saw it with my unfortunate boyfriend. I looked at him half-way through the movie and thought, “Ewww.” Aramie might argue that I could have looked at him and thought that BEFORE I saw the movie, but that’s a story for another time. Besides, she kissed him before I ever did, so she’s not free and clear, either. Yeah, we’re classy like that. So, you’re kids are probably actually super cute, especially my nieces, Kacey and Montanna, and the MOBB kids are all really, really cute. Okay, so you’re kids ARE cute. Anyway, my child is so beautiful, sometimes I just marvel that she belongs to me. I think most of the time that she must be possessed by evil spirits to act the way she does, but I wouldn’t change any bit of her. I’ll fill you in on her shenanigans in recurring posts called “The Adventures of Darby Danae,” which e-mails some of you already receive. I haven’t posted pictures of her yet because a lot of things are still boxed away in the garage, including the camera battery charger. So, Corrine was sweet enough to send me a disc of all the pictures she took around Darby’s birthday, so I’m depending on those for now. I’ll post a few so you can admire what Frankie and I made! Yeah, she’s 3 and an only child so far, but it’s like, we already made the perfect child, why press our luck?

Darby LOVES to swim. She would swim from sun-up to sun-down and beyond.

She was ready to eat her birthday cake. This is Darby issuing a threat.

Opening presents.

Look at this beautiful baby! Her precious outfit was a gift from Nanny.

Brag to me about your kids. They aren’t that cute, right?

Don't Sweat It

2009-08-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have always been averse to people wearing sweatpants in public. I don’t care about the cute or stylish kind, just the kind with elastic at the ankles. You know, with the coordinating sweatshirt? I have no problem with sweatshirts, and the pants don’t have to be coupled with the shirt to trigger my aversion. Just those creepy, loose, thick, shapeless pants that reach a fever-pitch right there at the ankle. I shudder at the thought. I mean, what shoes could possibly look good against that background? And that’s how I knew I loved Frankie. I saw him wearing sweatpants, in public, and I still wanted to be his wife. That’s a pretty powerful spell he has over me, right? Of course, there are no sweatpants in our home NOW, for the record, but I even thought he looked cute in them then. Cute! Frankie aside, I have an insurmountable aversion to sweatpants in public, so don’t let me catch you promoting that faux pas.

What are your fashion (or crimes against fashion) pet peeves?

Today IS Special!

2009-08-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

Does anyone recognize these guys? They were on the best show in the world. I watched it before I was in kindergarten, and I wish I could watch it still.

What were your favorite shows when you were small?

Under Where?

2009-08-28T22:13:00.001-07:00

So, I once had to have a spinal tap. Nowadays, it is actually called a “lumbar puncture” so that it sounds less intimidating. It doesn’t. Anyway, Aramie and I compared our spinal tap experiences and hers was way worse; she’s a total badass. That said, there I was, waiting for 5 hours for my sweet ride to begin. I was finally called back, they took some blood samples that they already had, and I was ushered into a room with a gurney and a weird t.v. screen. The nurse handed me a hospital gown and told me to take off my pants and everything from the waist up. We all know that I say “chonie” instead of “underwear.” We all know that I sometimes like to class things up by shortening my spanglish word to “chones.” The nurse did not know this. I said, “So, I should take off everything but my chones?” She stared blankly at me for a long time. I couldn’t understand what she wasn’t understanding. It suddenly struck me and I hurriedly said, “I mean, take off everything but my…my…” and every other word for chonie left my mind. I stammered for an eternity and finally spat out “…my underwear.” While that wasn’t the worst part of the day, it wasn’t a great start.

How many words can you think of for chonie, and what is your preference?